It's Been Almost 10 Years

It's been almost 10 years.

I have been married for 4 of those. Happily married blissfully married. To this man who I thank my lucky stars for every single day. He's made me so much more myself. Loved me so well and we've built an incredible life together. 

We went to a concert together and it just...dredged up my entire history with you. I cannot get you out of my head and that is driving me insane. 

It's so fucking stupid that I can still picture and almost feel our first meeting. I can feel you kissing me. I can hear your voice in my head saying "so dangerous." I can vividly picture that stupid smirk on your face. I can almost feel the weight of your presence and in spite of myself, I fucking blushed thinking about that first kiss. 

I hate how much you are still in my head and I cannot figure out why. 

It's like an obsession but I don't know what I am fixated on. You saying "Stop, I can't say no when I am looking at you" still feels like the gunshot to my chest it was when you said it. Abet, a healed and not bleeding out on the floor gunshot but there is legitimately a part of my soul that still feels crushed by that because I just still don't understand it. 

This is already helping. Writing this down is helping. It's helping me get out of my head. 

I am so lucky. My life turned out so much bigger and brighter and happier than I ever thought possible. I am so in love with my husband. We are such a good team. He is my one. My everything. I would not be the person I am today without him. He healed me so much. 

You don't have any power over me anymore. I loved you. I really did and so much of me wanted you to love me to but you just couldn't and thank goodness for that. Thank goodness that we went our separate ways. Thank goodness that we found our own people. Thank goodness we are living our own lives.

Joe, our time together in every moment was what I needed at the time you happened. You showed me how interesting and desirable I was. You cheating on me showed me how many people, people who I barely knew, cared about me. That moment at the party when three people came up to me and told me what you did was honestly, the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was mortified and humiliated. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully forgive you for doing that to me. 

And then to ask me to dinner to apologize? How gross. How insulting. How manipulative. You took all my feelings and twisted them up in your hand and squeezed until I couldn't breathe. Do you understand how you treated me? Do you ever think back on our time together and feel remorse? Or maybe even just a tiny shred of "fuck...I was such an asshole."

I bet you do think about me sometimes. The times I think of you are so painfully strong. It's like you are sitting on my brain. Like your being comes up and wraps it's hands and arms about my subconscious and digs their fingers in and is like "Remember me? Remember the pain? Remember what I did to you? Remember how I treated you?" It hurts but now, thank god, I am strong enough to dig my fingers under your nails and wrench you off. To say "no. enough." 

Joe, I hope your life is turning out the way you want. I hope you have found love. I hope you have dealt with all your demons. I hope you are happy. I hope you feel like your life is as full and as vibrant as I knew it was going to be from the moment I met you. You deserve all the love and joy and happiness and successes. You deserve to be as wildly happy in your life as I am in mine. 

I doubt you think about me like I think about you sometimes. I am sure I was just a notch on your belt and a tick mark on your headboard, but I hope you know that in our time together, I loved you. I always just wanted you to be happy. My 21 year old self will always be a little sad that you weren't happy with me but now I know that was a gift. Wrapped up in what looked like darkness but filled with light and possibility.

I hope you have found your light. 

Remember

Remember that you kissed me. You made that choice. I just let it happen. That means something. 

First Snow

Today was the first snow.

And I'm not talking about that silly little nonsense that kind of appears for five seconds and then vanishes. I am talking the big, white, puffy snowflakes that lazily fall from the sky and make you think of Christmas.

Did you know that whenever it snows like this I always think of you?

The first time we met. That silly, classy party after the Christmas service. I was wearing that black dress and you were in that cardigan you seem to wear all the time. I saw you for the first time when you were sitting in that armchair with S. You were drinking a 40 and smoking and e-cigarette.

"Hey S!" I said brightly. Who the hell is that asshole sitting with you drinking a 40? Damn. So college it hurts...He is kind cute though...

I sat down drank my Christmas Ale. You came over.

"Hi. I'm ___ and I'm a degenerate"

Wow. I thought. Winner.

You told us how you had essentially been drunk for four days. super classy. You commented on my height. B sank down and started to devise a plan. Then you walked away and disappeared. Coming back in minutes later. You were covered in snow.

"I just wrestled with Button."

"In the snow?" I said laughing.

"Why not?"

Interesting character. I don't know why it is so easy to talk to him. Why have I never seen him before? Hmmm.

You asked if I was warm. I told you that you should turn off the heater behind you. You looked at it. Looked at me.

"Too many buttons."

"There are three..."

"Still too many. I'm going outside. Come with me."

"Oh. Okay."

I cautiously follow you out the door. I knew what was going to happen. It was like the movies and I hated myself for thinking that but come on...taking a girl outside during a party? Total romantic comedy moment.

We stepped out the door. It was an absolute blizzard.

Great...there goes my hair.  I thought sighing internally.

We stood in the snow talking. I was freezing and eventually stated kind of shaking. We talked about your cat and that one time you ran into a tree skiing. I laughed and my teeth stared chattering.

"Are you really that cold?" you said laughing.

"Look at it out here! Its a blizzard."

You laughed again. Took a sip of your beer (Natural Light...I'm still judging you for that one.) And then you finish it in one glup and threw it away, missing the trashcan by a foot.

"You gonna go get that?"

"Nah."

"But what about Button?!"

"It's okay, she'll be fine."

"I don't know..."

And then you shushed me and in one fluid motion grabbed me and kissed me.

I don't care what you say and if you judge me for this, but that right there was straight out of a movie. Snow falling all around us, stopping me mid-sentence. Movie. It happens in Serendipity if you don't believe me.

"Well, I'm warmer now." I said as I pulled away, smiling and breathless.

"Good." You said, pulling me in again. "So dangerous."

"What?"

"Girls usually don't want to be seen kissing me. I've got a bad reputation"

"I really don't care"

We continued for a bit and then I started shaking so we went back inside.

You saw B. She smiled at me knowing exactly what happened. She took a step towards us.

"Sorry, but I kissed your roommate!" You practically yelled at her.

Nice. I thought. Inwardly melting and dying at the same time.

There were a few more kisses. Then you walked us home. More kissing. Then you took me back to your house after promising to behave.

As for the rest. I don't think its finished yet. We always seem to pick up right where we left off. So I don't know...but I am quietly hopeful that the movie isn't over.

Now you know why the snow makes me think of you.

First kiss in a blizzard.

That's pretty cinematic and you know you can't even argue with me.

Ha. Lawyered.

I Don't Know What I am Doing

What are you doing Abby?

You know what happens when you go down this path. Why would you subject yourself to that again. You know its just a game. Why do you always end up back at each other?

I don't even know what I want anymore.

No.

That's a lie. I know exactly what I want. I want someone to want me.

I don't understand what I am doing wrong. What is  it about me that drive guys away from an actual commitment. Why is that so hard?

I'm really good as a girlfriend. God. I haven't even held the title of girlfriend in a year and a half.

Almost girlfriend. Pseudo-girlfriend. Girl who I made out with and is also my best friend. Those are some of the titles I've held. Am still holding?

Let's be straight. I really don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. I don't even know if I want to try anymore. I feel like my life is in shambles.

I know that is just the lost twenty-something in me being petrified about what is to come. I just want real consistent support from somewhere.

I feel like I need to be everything for everybody am I am so damn tired of doing that.

And I can't even tell you how hard it is to see all of these people get engaged and get into relationships and I feel like I am just sitting here waiting. Not in the sense of letting my life pass, just wondering when I am actually going to win one you know?

I'm at the point where I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't know what I deserve. I have people telling me that it is wrong for me to want to be in a relationship but like...is it really?

Why is it so bad to want someone to go through life with? Why is it the damn apathetic curse of our generation to view relationships as this endless chain dragging you down? And why does no one see me as worth it?

I just want to be loved in a romantic way again. I want to be worth it to someone. I'm tired of always being the person who cares more. I want some guy to care about me and worry about me and love me.

Jesus. Fuck this guy for bringing all this up again.

Dating Roulette

So recently I have been trying this whole dating thing. You know how it goes nowadays, you chat with people online and then you eventually take it to texting and if things go well you plan a date.

You get to the restaurant and especially if it is your first time kind of getting into the dating world you kind of look around awkwardly trying to see if the person you are supposed to meet is there. I don’t know about you, but I get endless butterflies every time I go on a date. The whole situation is just so unpredictable. You have no idea if you are really going to mesh with people.

So I’ve been on a few dates and have discovered that I have the complete inability to have normal length dates. Like these things start at 6:30ish and typically don’t end until 2:30 or even 4 a.m. Apparently I am charming or something? I don’t know.

All of the guys I have been out with have been very sweet. They all have certain qualities that I just love but each time there is just one detail about them that just doesn’t mesh well with me. One works entertainment and has a totally opposite lifestyle from me as well as the inability to be emotionally involved. Anther was very nice, but painfully shy and kind of had a substance abuse problem...he smoked like a pack of cigarettes when he was out with me....gross. One I met for drinks was just a tad too republican for me. Nice, but far too formal and stiff. The other one was nearly perfect but lives really far away and is just a bit too college for me. He hasn’t really grown up.

So as you can imagine I was getting a little exhausted at this point. Juggling all of these guys and constantly playing dating roulette is a little tiring. I felt like I had no time for myself. But I had one more date to go on before the week was out. I was incredibly excited for it and I honestly couldn’t exactly tell you why.

I get to the restaurant and brewery that we planned on meeting at and oh my did this guy raise the bar. He was wearing a dress shirt, dress pants and a tie. Devastatingly handsome at first glance. And this was the date that I felt compelled to dress up for.

Now typically for first dates you do the awkward handshake thing, but I just decided to hug him for some reason. He didn’t seem opposed to it. Perhaps a bit started, but it totally shattered the awkward no physical contact thing that permeates so many first dates.

Conversation was loose and comfortable. Our personalities meshed immediately. It was uncanny. After dinner we walked to a bar and he had me take his arm. I don’t remember the last time I had someone offer me their arm. It felt like we had been on five dates previously, that’s how comfortable it was. He ended up kissing me in one of the bars and I asked him to come home with me.

After four dates...five turned out to be my lucky one. I knew after each of the other ones that it couldn’t be a relationship that would last. We were not compatible enough. But this one...this one is different. I am legitimately hopeful. We are already planning on him meeting my friends. He legitimately seems perfect. Exactly the type of guy that I have been looking for.

So I guess stay tuned...this may be it.

Authentically and Unapologetically Me

I'm addicted to coffee...Starbucks specifically, but really anything delicious. I enjoy mochas in the winter and iced coffee in the summer, but really there is nothing like a good cup of strong coffee with a touch of cream in the morning.

I am a perpetual worrier. I think all the time and way too much. I enjoy analyzing everything over and over again. But incidentally, life has taught me that I just can't really do that anymore, so I've learned to turn it off during the day and when I am with people and it is in the peace and safety of the night and my bed that I think about life and all of the things I can't seem to let go of.

I startle easily. You can scare me just by showing up in my sightline when I am not prepared for it. If I am engrossed in something, that is all I am thinking about. Just you saying hi will scare me and touching me on my shoulder is guaranteed to make me jump. Laugh if you wish, but please don't abuse it. 

When I have headphones in, you can guarantee that I am completely oblivious to the real world. I am either super happy or thinking about something too much and need distraction. Most of the time I am not ignoring you...unless I am...when I have headphones in, I genuinely cannot hear you. I know most people have headphones they can hear other people through, but mine block everything out and I like it that way. 

When I am writing or reading, it is probably best if you leave me alone. Especially when writing. I get on a roll and lose my train of thought very easily when people distract me. And then I spend the next hour trying to compose a paragraph that sounds no where near as good as I had it constructed before you walked up. 

I have a weakness for country music and oddly enough, good rap and hip-hop. Sometimes I listen to songs like "Turn Down for What" and "Bottoms Up" on lazy Sundays just because I want to. My music library has a weird mix of stuff and I will never be able to explain why. I know the words to far too many songs and I will sing in the car perpetually. Also, the stereo in my car is always on too loud. I like my music loud when I am driving by myself. 

I can never watch news shows without a running commentary. Actually, I am terrible person to watch TV with. I will comment on almost everything and if I don't I am not paying attention to it because I am  thinking about something else or I am sad. Movies are different. Don't talk to me during a movie I have never seen. Then I'll start ignoring it, get irritated and watch it again later without you. 

I get in my own head and need to talk things out. I get upset easily and worry. Staying calm and just talking through things on the level of a normal conversation will make everything easier and better. Don't tell me that I don't know what I am talking about or say "You'll understand after x, y and z." There is nothing I dislike more than being told I don't understand. Explain it to me. Help me understand. don't condemn ignorance if you aren't willing to teach. 

I can stay up really late and get up really early. I seem to have the inhuman ability to operate on little to no sleep. Something picked up from the days on the newspaper staff. So if you want to stay up until 3 am or wake up at 5 am, I'm game. Just give me a reason to do it.

I walk up and down escalators because I am too impatient to wait. I never mind parking far away from stores because I like walking. I enjoy cats. I always order ginger ale on airplanes. I think libraries are the most gorgeous places ever. I typically read at least three books at once. I love birds in the morning but despise them outside my window if they start chirping before my alarm. I am always cold, but prefer to be so. I love fireplaces, wine and Sinatra or Michael Buble. I adore children and habitually melt at the cuteness of their clothes. I know a lot about cars and can change the oil myself, although I prefer not to. Rainstorms are my favorite, but nothing beats an Ohio blizzard. I love sunsets and drive in movies, but I've never stayed for the double feature. I have a bucket list and am determined to complete it. I love roller coasters but will laugh uncontrollably and have a death grip on your hand or the seat. And I've already edited this post four times...if that tells you how indecisive I can be. 

If we can sit in silence next to each other reading or do a six hour car ride without music, we get along beautifully. I am an introvert and value comfortable silence. That being said, I love listening to people. If you want to sit down and tell me your whole life story in a night, I will be totally content listening to you. I love hearing people's stories and people always seem to enjoy telling me things unprompted. I have sat down for a casual drink and ended up learning exactly what has happened in someone's life, even if that person, is traditionally totally closed off to everyone else. 

I'm not an easy person to be with, but you'll never be bored. I am opinionated, smart, I know far too much about lots of things. When I decide that I want to do something, I pursue it relentlessly. I am stubborn, but sometimes I don't like making decisions. I will always be on time or early. I like having a plan, but I also love being spontaneous. If you promise me something, I will remember it forever...so it is probably best to not break them. 

One last thing, I've been hurt before. I trust really easily and there is great weight in words for me. For some reason, people think it is okay to take advantage of the fact that I believe what they tell me and that I typically am really nice and sweet and willing to do anything for those I care about. I have been played badly and hurt deeply, but I still fall hard, love quickly and drop everything for people. I can be emotional and get moody, but I will love you deeply and won't leave your side, even if you hurt me. 

This is me. Who are you? 

Pour Down

It's raining again.

It's one of the things I actually really love about Cleveland in the summer...the thunderstorms during the evening.

Whenever it rains, one line always pops into my head. Sure it may be a little corny, but bear with me here:

"When you get sad it, always seems to rain."
"Lots of people get sad when it rains!"
"It rains because you're sad, baby."

It's from Men in Black 2...judge me. I don't care I think it is beautiful. 

But every time it rains this pops into my head. Rain seems to always make people sad, and it always seems to rain a lot in the summer....and my summers lately seem to be full of personal sadness. This one is easier. Way easier it seems than last summer. I am distracted. I have friends and other things to keep me busy. I don't know...maybe I'm just better at dealing with rejection or something. 

What kills me is that I know that I am worth it. I know that I am worth someone's infinite love and attention. I know I have the ability to unconditionally love someone and I would just really like it if someone would give me a damn chance to love them. 


I make it a policy in my life to not burn bridges. I don't like ending friendships. I did it once. And I don't really know what it did to me or the other person...I think it made me realize that I really want to stay connected with people regardless of the things that happen between us. 

I love too much. I care too much. I'm too nice and I worry about the people I love. I worry about them getting hurt. I worry about their lives. I just want them to be happy. And fulfilled and most of all...I want them to be able to feel my love for them. 

There is too much sorrow in this world. Too much pain. Hatred. Jealousy. Anger. Greed. Selfishness. I want to show people unconditional, selfless love. Even if it means that I have to put myself and my own feelings to the side. 

You know what. I kind of hate the rain. It makes me sad. It makes me wish that I hadn't had all of this heartbreak recently. It makes me wish that there was some button or something that I could press that would just make me stop caring or make me stop hoping or make me stop trying...but that isn't my nature. 

I love people. I love them when they hurt me, I love them when they forget about me, when they walk all over me. I love them even when they do it repetitively. But I guess I do it knowing that is exactly what the world needs. 

This world needs people to love those who hurt them. Who will be there for them. Who will tell them they are a lovely, smart, caring and beautiful person. 

I just...I want someone...a person who will go through life with me and just love me...love me and not hurt me. 

It's still raining.