Your Word is Only as Good as How Often You Keep It

You know the phrase "actions speak louder than words?" Well, I have never had a time when I have felt those words so deeply. 

So often we tell people things, we make promises, we lie, because we know that it will make the other person feel better, even though you have no intention of actually keeping your word. We think, "Hey, she's my friend, she'll understand. I'll make it up to her later." Even though you have no intention of doing anything to try and right whatever wrong you committed. 

I am someone who values people at their word. I will believe that you will do something or honor something right up until it is painfully evident that it will never happen. 

Zak told me it was my fault that he could never plan dates or keep plans. Apparently, one of my many flaws is that I can only really believe people for so long until I finally begin to expect nothing from them and the relationship deteriorates.  It was because I had so little faith in him that he never actually followed through with anything. And you know what? Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I am the reason he was never able to plan dates...or keep them for that matter. But I still trusted him at his word and my heart was broken every time the deadline came and went. 

I hate when people can't keep their word. It is the worst in romantic relationships. You spend so much of your time whispering sweet nothings into your lover's ear that they begin to believe everything they tell you and it makes them fall in love with you or just swim in a puddle of wonderful that they eventually drown in. It isn't until later, when the cards are on the table how you realize what a load of bullshit it was. 

I guess the bottom line here is I wish more people kept their word. I wish more people realized the power of the things they promise, even in passing. Maybe this is just a problem I have, but I remember almost everything someone promises me, right down to something as stupid as the mall food court date at Chick-Fil-A (for those of you that think I am making that one up, it happened. I promise) or as meaningful as "I am always going to be here for you." 

It becomes incredibly painful when you realize that the person you so fully trusted never actually intended to do any of the things they said they would.  Forgive the momentary dramatics, but it is almost soul crushing. Like a part of you is being ripped out and smashed because of the deception. 

Words are powerful. People listen to what you say, some even hang on every word. What would happen if, all of the sudden, you had to honor every single promise or plan you made? Would it make you be a little more cautious about what you said? Or would it make you realize just how many people you let down? 

So next time you tell someone, "Yes! I will definitely ______," think before you speak. They may just be stupid enough to believe that you will keep you word, God forbid anyone should ever do that. 

Box of Darkness

A few months ago, Brianna and I were chatting on Facebook and she sent me this poem she found on Pinterest.

The Uses of Sorrow (in my sleep I dreamed this poem.)

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift. 

That was at the beginning of the summer, right after we had both started our internships and were both really struggling with our guy issues. I decided that my task was going to be to find what was in my box of darkness, to shed some light, if you will, on the twisted confusion that was in my head and my heart.

So summer has almost elapsed at this point. We are less than two weeks away from the start of my JCU reality and the question now becomes, did I accomplish my mission? Have I figured out what was in the box of darkness?

I can happily say to you that I have shined a flashlight in there and I think I have it figured out.

Last semester was, as Brianna described it, “sophomore year was the overly emotional year of trying too hard and caring too little.” While I would like to think that this was not the case, it, unfortunately, is a completely accurate description of life last year. There was so much we were worried and concerned about, but so much we cared so little about.

Ever summer gives me new insight into my life. Last summer, I saw the beginnings of the breakdown of the relationship between Zak and I and I learned the hard reality of losing your summer to work. But this summer has been a little different.

This summer I learned how to just be me. Who I was. I dealt with the after effects of two relationships were each of the guys had very different personalities and very different relationships to me. I dealt with friendships changing and evolving and I dealt with the incredible pain of not having my best friend by my side 24/7. I took spontaneous road trips. I learned how to take care of my car. I learned how to be professional and work in an office. But most of all, I learned to value who I am and what I believe in.

So back to that box of darkness.

Sometimes during the summer one or both of us (Brianna and I) would start to get the residual sadness of losing someone we cared about because of things totally out of our control. When I was having one of my good days and she was having a day with some struggles, I found myself writing this to her: “If there is one thing those psycho guys did for us, it was give us some kick ass confidence and a hell of a lot of determination to prove them and everyone else wrong.” To which she appropriately responded, “that must have been what was inside that box of darkness.”

So out of pain and sadness comes determination and confidence. How twisted is that? It goes against every logical equation of reality. But reality and normalcy really aren’t our style.

But, you know how I knew I was finally growing up and out of that pit that I found myself in 18 times this year?

When Tim came and visited me this weekend and kept saying how much he didn’t understand why Dan and I didn’t work and that it was stupid that it didn’t, I found myself getting a little irritated. Normally that would have made me sad…but it didn’t. It was a weird feeling. I found myself smiling and internally thinking, “Yes, I know. But such is life. This is my reality and nothing is changing that now. Can we drop it?” That was nowhere near the reaction I was having at the beginning of the summer.

Bottom line, I no longer felt helpless because of the whole thing, I felt empowered by it. The even better thing was that Zak showed up at the park where Tim, Annie and I were watching the fireworks literally 30 seconds after Tim finished his little rant and I had a very similar reaction.

It was totally a two ships passing in the night kind of thing. No acknowledgment. No hostility. Just indifference. (Confirms the idea from the “Friends, Lovers, or Nothing” post. Zak and I? Nothing. Plain and simple).

But I think it all really clicked for me when I went to get my hair cut this weekend.

My hairstylist has been cutting my mother’s hair for 10 years and mine for almost 6, so she basically knows everything about our family. (I am convinced that she doubles as a psychiatrist) As she was cutting my hair, I proceeded to tell her the whole story about Zak and Dan. Being the wonderful person she is, she reacted in exactly the way I expected her to until we got the story about Dan.

That was when I basically received my slap back to reality. She told me that I couldn’t severe ties with him, that I needed to be a friend, keep those lines open and be the bigger person when it comes to continuing the friendship, especially since she had seen lots of situations similar to ours play out for the better. She said, “When you are with him you have to pretend like you never dated. That you never were a couple and that you have never kissed him. It will make it better, I promise.” Honestly, this was the most helpful advice I received all summer.

I knew there was a reason that I was so looking forward to getting my hair cut.

So I am trying that mindset and it is working. I feel so much happier and knowing that I can never expect anything of him, it makes life so much easier. I feel like it allows me to hold all of the cards while just patiently waiting for him to play his hand. It is a highly effective tactic and it keeps me sane, which is a bonus.

So that box of darkness. 

Contents:

1.) Confidence

2.) Clarity

3.) Determination

4.) Patience

5.) And a fierce loyalty to who I am and what I believe in.

Checkmate. 

Things I am Saying

It seems that it has finally come to this point, where the only thing left to do…is forgive, forget, say goodbye and move on.

I have spent so much of my time devoted to thinking about it. So much energy worrying about it. So much of my heart trying to love it back into being and so many of my tears, crying over what was lost. But now…it is time to let it all go.

I thought that this was going to be the one to change my mind. This was the one that was going to last, a friendship that was able to stand through the mess of emotions and personal interest. But I was wrong and the first step towards healing is accepting that I was wrong.

I did everything in my power to try and make whatever it was work. I trying staying involved, committed, because true friends don’t leave your side, no matter how much they ignore you. But this one wore me down.

We accepted you into the group. We loved your quirks, we wanted you to be part of our eccentric little club, but there was one very fundamental thing about you that none of us thought about. That when the cards are down, you cannot stay in one place. 

Maybe you hate commitment, maybe you don’t like being tied down, maybe you just don’t go deep with people because it requires too much work, or maybe it is because you are scared of being hurt. You are the only one who knows.

As for me, I am done thinking about it. I am not a self-interested person or at least I don’t think of myself as one, but I think it is time for me to make a decision in the interest of me.

Now do I plan on dropping of the face of the Earth? No, of course not. That is just simply not in my nature, but I do plan on letting all of you go. I spent 3 years in a one-sided relationship, and I intend not to waste another second of my life devoting time to someone or something that doesn't give me time, or worse, doesn't care.

So this is it, my last goodbye. My last “you” centered post. My last “you” centered anything. My life cannot be so bogged down by a friend or more accurately, supposed…friend. I know what friendships and relationships are supposed to look like and foolish, idealistic Abby thought that you would be one of those true friends.

But more and more, as I look at my Facebook, Twitter, text messages, emails, and Facetime calls, I am realizing who my true friends are. The ones who won’t leave me alone because they love me so much. The ones who take genuine interest in me. The ones who listen to me. Care about me. Want to talk to me about life. Seek me for advice and are always a tweet, text, video chat, or telepathic communication away.

They are the people I have realized I can lean on. The ones who have listened to me cry, whine, yell, muse, and talk about you and still talk to me the next day, no matter how annoyed they are by me…all because they love me. 

Truly and unapologetically.

So here you are, the last post about you. Ever. I am done. Truly and finally. I tried. I gave you every benefit of the doubt. But everything I feared came true at every turn. Don't doubt my affection for what we were at one time and don't doubt my faith in your ability to succeed. But for now, have a nice life.

Maybe we'll see each other in a byline. 

Sitting on some beach

As I shut my laptop, trying to close out the memories and emotions, I find that they have already begun to overwhelm me.

I just need a small trigger at this point, some small reminder about the things that I am trying to bury within the depths of my subconscious.

I walk out of my room, I need to breathe.

I need a place to release the torrent of emotions that isn’t in full view of my family.

Luckily, I am in a house on a beach.

I grab a towel as I brush past my mother.

As I sit by the ocean, watching the waves crash into the beach, tears start to roll down my face.

I ask God why. Why is this my particular cross to bear at the moment? Why now? Why still?

I look out over the ocean, thinking that I want to get away. Far away, where none of this can touch me, where I can forget.

But here I am, as far away as I could get from the issue and I still feel like I need to go further.

I need just a little more distance, just a little more isolation to have the memories and feelings loosen their grip on me.

Maybe Antarctica would be far enough.

My little sister reminds me that you can’t run away from memoires, because they will always be right behind you.

Smart girl.

Guess she learned a thing or two from the likes of Thoreau and Whitman.

She talks about how she want to go home. I look at her, I feel like I should share her wish.

Thing is,

I don’t know what is waiting for me back home.

Friends?

Sure.

Jobs?

Yes.

School?

Definitely.

But you know what is also waiting?

Memories, pain, feelings, emotion and

….reality.

Of all of the things waiting, reality is the one I fear the most.

I don’t want to go back and face all of that again.

Not yet.

The tears start again, this time out of frustration and sadness.

Everyone deserves answers and closure. Why not me?

Why couldn’t I get the responses I deserved? The promises that were supposed to be kept?

Why?

I get angry.

Then it dissolves into sadness.

Sorrow for what could have been.

I kick the sand.

Ask some deeply philosophical, yet somehow still shallow question of the stars.

My sister does something to make me laugh.

I get up.

The salt from my tears drying in the sea breeze.

I shake out my towel and run down the beach.

Maybe I’ll leave my troubles here in Hawaii.

Here to perpetually sit on this beach and contemplate the stars,

and the world,

and me.