First Snow

Today was the first snow.

And I'm not talking about that silly little nonsense that kind of appears for five seconds and then vanishes. I am talking the big, white, puffy snowflakes that lazily fall from the sky and make you think of Christmas.

Did you know that whenever it snows like this I always think of you?

The first time we met. That silly, classy party after the Christmas service. I was wearing that black dress and you were in that cardigan you seem to wear all the time. I saw you for the first time when you were sitting in that armchair with S. You were drinking a 40 and smoking and e-cigarette.

"Hey S!" I said brightly. Who the hell is that asshole sitting with you drinking a 40? Damn. So college it hurts...He is kind cute though...

I sat down drank my Christmas Ale. You came over.

"Hi. I'm ___ and I'm a degenerate"

Wow. I thought. Winner.

You told us how you had essentially been drunk for four days. super classy. You commented on my height. B sank down and started to devise a plan. Then you walked away and disappeared. Coming back in minutes later. You were covered in snow.

"I just wrestled with Button."

"In the snow?" I said laughing.

"Why not?"

Interesting character. I don't know why it is so easy to talk to him. Why have I never seen him before? Hmmm.

You asked if I was warm. I told you that you should turn off the heater behind you. You looked at it. Looked at me.

"Too many buttons."

"There are three..."

"Still too many. I'm going outside. Come with me."

"Oh. Okay."

I cautiously follow you out the door. I knew what was going to happen. It was like the movies and I hated myself for thinking that but come on...taking a girl outside during a party? Total romantic comedy moment.

We stepped out the door. It was an absolute blizzard.

Great...there goes my hair.  I thought sighing internally.

We stood in the snow talking. I was freezing and eventually stated kind of shaking. We talked about your cat and that one time you ran into a tree skiing. I laughed and my teeth stared chattering.

"Are you really that cold?" you said laughing.

"Look at it out here! Its a blizzard."

You laughed again. Took a sip of your beer (Natural Light...I'm still judging you for that one.) And then you finish it in one glup and threw it away, missing the trashcan by a foot.

"You gonna go get that?"

"Nah."

"But what about Button?!"

"It's okay, she'll be fine."

"I don't know..."

And then you shushed me and in one fluid motion grabbed me and kissed me.

I don't care what you say and if you judge me for this, but that right there was straight out of a movie. Snow falling all around us, stopping me mid-sentence. Movie. It happens in Serendipity if you don't believe me.

"Well, I'm warmer now." I said as I pulled away, smiling and breathless.

"Good." You said, pulling me in again. "So dangerous."

"What?"

"Girls usually don't want to be seen kissing me. I've got a bad reputation"

"I really don't care"

We continued for a bit and then I started shaking so we went back inside.

You saw B. She smiled at me knowing exactly what happened. She took a step towards us.

"Sorry, but I kissed your roommate!" You practically yelled at her.

Nice. I thought. Inwardly melting and dying at the same time.

There were a few more kisses. Then you walked us home. More kissing. Then you took me back to your house after promising to behave.

As for the rest. I don't think its finished yet. We always seem to pick up right where we left off. So I don't know...but I am quietly hopeful that the movie isn't over.

Now you know why the snow makes me think of you.

First kiss in a blizzard.

That's pretty cinematic and you know you can't even argue with me.

Ha. Lawyered.

I Don't Know What I am Doing

What are you doing Abby?

You know what happens when you go down this path. Why would you subject yourself to that again. You know its just a game. Why do you always end up back at each other?

I don't even know what I want anymore.

No.

That's a lie. I know exactly what I want. I want someone to want me.

I don't understand what I am doing wrong. What is  it about me that drive guys away from an actual commitment. Why is that so hard?

I'm really good as a girlfriend. God. I haven't even held the title of girlfriend in a year and a half.

Almost girlfriend. Pseudo-girlfriend. Girl who I made out with and is also my best friend. Those are some of the titles I've held. Am still holding?

Let's be straight. I really don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. I don't even know if I want to try anymore. I feel like my life is in shambles.

I know that is just the lost twenty-something in me being petrified about what is to come. I just want real consistent support from somewhere.

I feel like I need to be everything for everybody am I am so damn tired of doing that.

And I can't even tell you how hard it is to see all of these people get engaged and get into relationships and I feel like I am just sitting here waiting. Not in the sense of letting my life pass, just wondering when I am actually going to win one you know?

I'm at the point where I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't know what I deserve. I have people telling me that it is wrong for me to want to be in a relationship but like...is it really?

Why is it so bad to want someone to go through life with? Why is it the damn apathetic curse of our generation to view relationships as this endless chain dragging you down? And why does no one see me as worth it?

I just want to be loved in a romantic way again. I want to be worth it to someone. I'm tired of always being the person who cares more. I want some guy to care about me and worry about me and love me.

Jesus. Fuck this guy for bringing all this up again.

Dating Roulette

So recently I have been trying this whole dating thing. You know how it goes nowadays, you chat with people online and then you eventually take it to texting and if things go well you plan a date.

You get to the restaurant and especially if it is your first time kind of getting into the dating world you kind of look around awkwardly trying to see if the person you are supposed to meet is there. I don’t know about you, but I get endless butterflies every time I go on a date. The whole situation is just so unpredictable. You have no idea if you are really going to mesh with people.

So I’ve been on a few dates and have discovered that I have the complete inability to have normal length dates. Like these things start at 6:30ish and typically don’t end until 2:30 or even 4 a.m. Apparently I am charming or something? I don’t know.

All of the guys I have been out with have been very sweet. They all have certain qualities that I just love but each time there is just one detail about them that just doesn’t mesh well with me. One works entertainment and has a totally opposite lifestyle from me as well as the inability to be emotionally involved. Anther was very nice, but painfully shy and kind of had a substance abuse problem...he smoked like a pack of cigarettes when he was out with me....gross. One I met for drinks was just a tad too republican for me. Nice, but far too formal and stiff. The other one was nearly perfect but lives really far away and is just a bit too college for me. He hasn’t really grown up.

So as you can imagine I was getting a little exhausted at this point. Juggling all of these guys and constantly playing dating roulette is a little tiring. I felt like I had no time for myself. But I had one more date to go on before the week was out. I was incredibly excited for it and I honestly couldn’t exactly tell you why.

I get to the restaurant and brewery that we planned on meeting at and oh my did this guy raise the bar. He was wearing a dress shirt, dress pants and a tie. Devastatingly handsome at first glance. And this was the date that I felt compelled to dress up for.

Now typically for first dates you do the awkward handshake thing, but I just decided to hug him for some reason. He didn’t seem opposed to it. Perhaps a bit started, but it totally shattered the awkward no physical contact thing that permeates so many first dates.

Conversation was loose and comfortable. Our personalities meshed immediately. It was uncanny. After dinner we walked to a bar and he had me take his arm. I don’t remember the last time I had someone offer me their arm. It felt like we had been on five dates previously, that’s how comfortable it was. He ended up kissing me in one of the bars and I asked him to come home with me.

After four dates...five turned out to be my lucky one. I knew after each of the other ones that it couldn’t be a relationship that would last. We were not compatible enough. But this one...this one is different. I am legitimately hopeful. We are already planning on him meeting my friends. He legitimately seems perfect. Exactly the type of guy that I have been looking for.

So I guess stay tuned...this may be it.

Authentically and Unapologetically Me

I'm addicted to coffee...Starbucks specifically, but really anything delicious. I enjoy mochas in the winter and iced coffee in the summer, but really there is nothing like a good cup of strong coffee with a touch of cream in the morning.

I am a perpetual worrier. I think all the time and way too much. I enjoy analyzing everything over and over again. But incidentally, life has taught me that I just can't really do that anymore, so I've learned to turn it off during the day and when I am with people and it is in the peace and safety of the night and my bed that I think about life and all of the things I can't seem to let go of.

I startle easily. You can scare me just by showing up in my sightline when I am not prepared for it. If I am engrossed in something, that is all I am thinking about. Just you saying hi will scare me and touching me on my shoulder is guaranteed to make me jump. Laugh if you wish, but please don't abuse it. 

When I have headphones in, you can guarantee that I am completely oblivious to the real world. I am either super happy or thinking about something too much and need distraction. Most of the time I am not ignoring you...unless I am...when I have headphones in, I genuinely cannot hear you. I know most people have headphones they can hear other people through, but mine block everything out and I like it that way. 

When I am writing or reading, it is probably best if you leave me alone. Especially when writing. I get on a roll and lose my train of thought very easily when people distract me. And then I spend the next hour trying to compose a paragraph that sounds no where near as good as I had it constructed before you walked up. 

I have a weakness for country music and oddly enough, good rap and hip-hop. Sometimes I listen to songs like "Turn Down for What" and "Bottoms Up" on lazy Sundays just because I want to. My music library has a weird mix of stuff and I will never be able to explain why. I know the words to far too many songs and I will sing in the car perpetually. Also, the stereo in my car is always on too loud. I like my music loud when I am driving by myself. 

I can never watch news shows without a running commentary. Actually, I am terrible person to watch TV with. I will comment on almost everything and if I don't I am not paying attention to it because I am  thinking about something else or I am sad. Movies are different. Don't talk to me during a movie I have never seen. Then I'll start ignoring it, get irritated and watch it again later without you. 

I get in my own head and need to talk things out. I get upset easily and worry. Staying calm and just talking through things on the level of a normal conversation will make everything easier and better. Don't tell me that I don't know what I am talking about or say "You'll understand after x, y and z." There is nothing I dislike more than being told I don't understand. Explain it to me. Help me understand. don't condemn ignorance if you aren't willing to teach. 

I can stay up really late and get up really early. I seem to have the inhuman ability to operate on little to no sleep. Something picked up from the days on the newspaper staff. So if you want to stay up until 3 am or wake up at 5 am, I'm game. Just give me a reason to do it.

I walk up and down escalators because I am too impatient to wait. I never mind parking far away from stores because I like walking. I enjoy cats. I always order ginger ale on airplanes. I think libraries are the most gorgeous places ever. I typically read at least three books at once. I love birds in the morning but despise them outside my window if they start chirping before my alarm. I am always cold, but prefer to be so. I love fireplaces, wine and Sinatra or Michael Buble. I adore children and habitually melt at the cuteness of their clothes. I know a lot about cars and can change the oil myself, although I prefer not to. Rainstorms are my favorite, but nothing beats an Ohio blizzard. I love sunsets and drive in movies, but I've never stayed for the double feature. I have a bucket list and am determined to complete it. I love roller coasters but will laugh uncontrollably and have a death grip on your hand or the seat. And I've already edited this post four times...if that tells you how indecisive I can be. 

If we can sit in silence next to each other reading or do a six hour car ride without music, we get along beautifully. I am an introvert and value comfortable silence. That being said, I love listening to people. If you want to sit down and tell me your whole life story in a night, I will be totally content listening to you. I love hearing people's stories and people always seem to enjoy telling me things unprompted. I have sat down for a casual drink and ended up learning exactly what has happened in someone's life, even if that person, is traditionally totally closed off to everyone else. 

I'm not an easy person to be with, but you'll never be bored. I am opinionated, smart, I know far too much about lots of things. When I decide that I want to do something, I pursue it relentlessly. I am stubborn, but sometimes I don't like making decisions. I will always be on time or early. I like having a plan, but I also love being spontaneous. If you promise me something, I will remember it forever...so it is probably best to not break them. 

One last thing, I've been hurt before. I trust really easily and there is great weight in words for me. For some reason, people think it is okay to take advantage of the fact that I believe what they tell me and that I typically am really nice and sweet and willing to do anything for those I care about. I have been played badly and hurt deeply, but I still fall hard, love quickly and drop everything for people. I can be emotional and get moody, but I will love you deeply and won't leave your side, even if you hurt me. 

This is me. Who are you? 

Pour Down

It's raining again.

It's one of the things I actually really love about Cleveland in the summer...the thunderstorms during the evening.

Whenever it rains, one line always pops into my head. Sure it may be a little corny, but bear with me here:

"When you get sad it, always seems to rain."
"Lots of people get sad when it rains!"
"It rains because you're sad, baby."

It's from Men in Black 2...judge me. I don't care I think it is beautiful. 

But every time it rains this pops into my head. Rain seems to always make people sad, and it always seems to rain a lot in the summer....and my summers lately seem to be full of personal sadness. This one is easier. Way easier it seems than last summer. I am distracted. I have friends and other things to keep me busy. I don't know...maybe I'm just better at dealing with rejection or something. 

What kills me is that I know that I am worth it. I know that I am worth someone's infinite love and attention. I know I have the ability to unconditionally love someone and I would just really like it if someone would give me a damn chance to love them. 


I make it a policy in my life to not burn bridges. I don't like ending friendships. I did it once. And I don't really know what it did to me or the other person...I think it made me realize that I really want to stay connected with people regardless of the things that happen between us. 

I love too much. I care too much. I'm too nice and I worry about the people I love. I worry about them getting hurt. I worry about their lives. I just want them to be happy. And fulfilled and most of all...I want them to be able to feel my love for them. 

There is too much sorrow in this world. Too much pain. Hatred. Jealousy. Anger. Greed. Selfishness. I want to show people unconditional, selfless love. Even if it means that I have to put myself and my own feelings to the side. 

You know what. I kind of hate the rain. It makes me sad. It makes me wish that I hadn't had all of this heartbreak recently. It makes me wish that there was some button or something that I could press that would just make me stop caring or make me stop hoping or make me stop trying...but that isn't my nature. 

I love people. I love them when they hurt me, I love them when they forget about me, when they walk all over me. I love them even when they do it repetitively. But I guess I do it knowing that is exactly what the world needs. 

This world needs people to love those who hurt them. Who will be there for them. Who will tell them they are a lovely, smart, caring and beautiful person. 

I just...I want someone...a person who will go through life with me and just love me...love me and not hurt me. 

It's still raining. 

"I'm So Proud of You"...Well...don't be.

People keep telling me how proud they are of me. How proud they are that I have dealt with all of this so well. How much they admire me for being able to put everything aside and not react. How I am able to be your friend still. How I haven't let myself be consumed.

But they don't know the truth I am hiding.

That I hurt everyday because of it. That I have been trying to find ways to cope and distract myself, but everything reminds me of it. That I can't even go on a run without thinking about it. Without having at least a tear or two roll down my cheek.

It isn't everything, but it is a lot. It is enough.

It is enough to have me feel numb and lost when I ride home from work sometimes. For me to feel jaded and hopeless. For me to feel like I did something wrong even though I wasn't the one who cheated.

Did you know that every so often her face pops into my head and I start to get upset trying to figure out what it was that made you do that?

Was I boring?

Too clingy?

Not exciting enough?

Was I too pure?

Too quiet?

Too meek?

What happened that made you feel like it was okay to do that to me?

They don't know that I cry almost every night before I go to bed. That I can't help but be reminded every so often of the special real moments we shared. Like on the morning of my birthday when you kissed me good morning, told me to stay as long as I wanted and then let me wake up to a note from you and a birthday present.

What happened to that guy?

Or the guy who held my hand and kissed me openly in Kentucky, suggested I introduce you as my boyfriend, proceed to introduce me as your girlfriend and then, despite spending an entire weekend with me, still want to see me Sunday night?

What am I missing?

Sure. I get it. Postgrad stuff. It's hard. But why did you just leave me like this. And how in the hell did you dump me right after I had decided to forgive and forget. That made me feel like an idiot.

So here we are again. Me, in my room, crying over a guy for reasons I don't understand. But I've gotten better at hiding how upset I am. No one knows. Hell, I don't think you even really know.

"I'm so proud of how you've been dealing with this!" "Yeah, can we just not talk about it? How was your day?" Because inwardly..this is all really killing me. 

Summers Will Never be the Same

Summers in your twenties are this very weird mix of trying to figure out who you are and jostling between the rigid schedule of a normal 9 to 5 (God willing) and trying to still be young and have some fun.

I am currently trying to figure out what the deal is with me lately. I am just...I don't know. Off my game or something. I get up, get ready, go to work, come home, run, try to get the house a little more organized, dinner, shower, some tv, reading and then bed by 11.

Now doesn't that just sound like loads of fun?

It's gotten to the point where I don't do the morning dishes until after I come home and go on my run. My gosh...I am turning into my mother.

I don't know if it is the 9 to 5 schedule or if I am just exhausted and trying to get used to everything, but I feel so numb and tired. It's like I have forgotten how to live or something.

Now don't get me wrong and don't condemn me for being melodramatic, I love my jobs. I love my house. I love that I am getting the chance to spend a summer away from home. But something feels wrong. Something is missing.

Maybe its the whole rejection thing still settling.

All I want to do is be alone.

It is hard to socialize with people. Coming home to an empty house is actually really nice. I don't have to think. I can just silently go about my business and not have to worry or think about how other people are viewing my behavior.

Wow...

Sorry guys. I definitely sound like I am depressed or something.

I'm not, let me assure you of that. I think this is part of the process of learning how to be alone. It seems like it is just not in the cards for me to be bound to someone yet. Which I hate. And it makes me really sad. And it makes it hard to talk to people. And it makes me feel like I am fated to spend my life alone. And it makes me feel like I am not worth someone's energy and love.

My mother told me that people who want to get married will. That we will find someone. But all of this that keeps happening makes me really hopeless. I know I am only 21 and that I technically have my whole life ahead of me. But...I don't know. I just feel very lost.

Maybe I will find myself this summer. I hope. I pray. That I will find myself this summer. That I will realize that there is a plan.

It's So Hard to Say No to You When I'm Looking at You

This May was far too similar to last May.

I had my heart broken. Yet again.

And someone up there seemed to have a lot of fun making sure that I forced all of the negative feelings down and be happy and bright and smiling despite the circumstances.

Sure...I guess I probably didn't deal with all of it in the most mature way. But hey, I dealt. I was happy. Shining. Radient. Friendly. I still hugged you and smiled for you and pretended that I was okay even though you hurt me.

Then the tables kind of seemed to turn.

Dinner? A dinner you made for me? What?

Wait. But you cheated, why are you being nice to me? Okay, wait. It is still called cheating if we weren't dating?

Yes...
No....

Maybe?

It still hurt.

But you made me dinner. And were sweet and kind. We were back. I decided to forgive. Forget. Move on. Start living again.

Then came Sunday.

I can't believe it was all so parallel.

You wouldn't kiss me.

You wanted to. I could tell. But you fought it. And told me you couldn't. I hated that. It hurt. It hurt a lot. I started to cry. Completely in spite of myself and all of the things I had told myself about you, I cried. In front of you.

I hated myself for that.

You explained yourself. You said that it was getting to real. That we "couldn't do it."

We laid there. I was holding your hand and looking down. I looked up into your eyes.

"Stop. It's so hard to say no to you when I am looking at you."

Are you kidding me?

So what is essentially happening here is that you like me too much to stay with me. What? How in the world does that make sense?

The tears started to roll down my cheeks faster. Again, totally in spite of myself. You looked at me. I fell against your chest and you held me. Told me that you hated seeing me cry. That you weren't leaving or disappearing, but that we couldn't be together.

You're going home for two months. Two months! That is nothing and you know it. Then you will be back. Back in this beautiful city. But we can't be together.

So you are breaking up with me? We weren't even dating!! Yet you still broke up with me. Because you were starting to like me. It was starting to be real. All of the physical stuff was too real. It actually meant something. So...you threw it away. Sure...that's logical.

Well...now I don't know what to do. I miss you. But I don't think I should. I hate the fact that you ran away from something that was becoming real. I forgave you and you threw that compassion back in my face. Why?

Maybe I'll never know.

I guess we will be in the same city for a while. I guess I am learning how to be alone. I guess I am learning that unrequited feelings are kinda my thing. I can't seem to get people on the same page as me. I like you. I really like you. But it's too real. And that apparently changes everything.

I Choose Those Who Will Hurt Me

"You always seem to chase guys who you know are going to hurt you."

Maybe it is because I want to feel the pain. Maybe it is because for a second in all of the super lows and super highs, I am just happy that I still know how to feel something.

I have had this bad tendency in college to fall for guys who I know are going to break my heart. There are too wrapped up in their future or they are not ready or they are too scared. They are not ready to be with me. I also have a terrible habit of falling into these guys way to quickly. But you know what? I don't really regret that.

Sure it sucks and it makes me feel like I am a failure who will never be loved...Gosh. Unrequited love is such a bitch. But as I have said over and over again, I fall hard and love and live for someone with my whole being because I feel that anything less is a waste. Why bother if you aren't willing to give them everything?

To be half loving someone or half being with someone is just giving yourself permission to rip apart the other person. You could adore them, want to spend time with them, be perfectly compatible with them and yet you willingly choose to destroy the part of them that they gave you.

I hate half loves. I fucking hate relationships in college. I really like this guy. I really really like him.

But he was totally honest with me. He said that he didn't want to hurt me and that he knew it was going to happen. But I didn't care. I wanted him. For whatever time I could have with him, I wanted him.

And half being with someone makes no sense anyway...So we were kinda sorta in a pseudo relationship but there were no boundaries really except that it would most likely be an issue if we kissed other people. Okay. Fair enough.

Then explain this to me. Explain to me why you came up behind me that evening and hugged me in my house. Explain why when you look at me you actually stare into my eyes. Explain why you rub my head and play with my hair and you know that I love when you do that. Explain why when I said I didn't know how I was going to do my hair for my interview you proceeded to run your hand down my ponytail and then look at me straight in the eyes while you touched my nose repeatedly. It was a sweet simple gesture that spoke wordless volumes.

Explain to me the "I like you too" text. Explain how you can know that and feel that and not do anything about it.

I hate that I had to call it off. I like you so much. I adore all of your quirks. You are the perfect level of laid back and serious for me. You don't think I am crazy. You get the introvert thing because you are one. You seem to understand me.

But you were hurting me. And I finally had the strength to say "No. I am done. I won't let this keep beating me down."

It tore me apart and I still want you. I have to stop myself from texting you because I know you won't answer and I know the pain will start all over.

But you like me. And I like you...so I am confused.

Maybe I just like being with people who I know are going to hurt me because for every scar I learn that there is a newer thicker layer of skin being formed and that I am learning all of the things I need out of a relationship.

Maybe I am just choosing these people in the hopes that one will finally turn to me and say "I'm not going to hurt you, I am going to love you and you are perfectly good enough for me."

Good Morning

I knew it when you said "good morning" to me. 

It had been a long time since we had woken up together and you looked at me and greeted me with that simple phrase. 

There is something beautiful about waking up next to a person you care about and having their voice be the first thing you hear when the sun is streaming in through the window, splashing light all over the bedspread. 

Good morning. 

It was simultaneously a simple "hi there, I am acknowledging your existence as one of the first things of the day" as well as an indication that we had finally returned to normalcy. 

The morning is one of my favorite parts of the day. Especially spring mornings. It is wonderful to look out the window and see the blue skies and just know that it is going to be a beautiful day. 

That combined with your good morning...nothing could make this day bad. 

Those small moments spent laying in bed and talking, willing our bodies and minds to wake up are the most beautiful moments of liminality. 

I am so grateful for this return to normality. Thank you. 

Real life? What's that?

So...tomorrow real life starts again and honestly, I am not sure that I am ready for it.

I don't know if I want to get back to school and social situations and doing work.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for not being bored 24/7, but....I just don't know if I want to handle real life again.

I am starting to get those nervous butterflies in my stomach. Like I have before the start of school for the last 15 years. Wow. 15 years. I have been in school for 15 years....that is a lot of times getting nervous.

Maybe it is because I am in this weird liminality position right now. It's like the will we, won't we, what the hell is going on kind of stage. Ugh. I hate that.

I am getting super overwhelmed with dealing with people. Like...why can't it be easy again? Why can"t I just be?

I feel like my brain in running a marathon all of the time and I cannot turn it off. I wish I could just stop thinking and go with the flow. Be okay with the idea whatever happens happens...but I hate that. Because then I am not in control. I like being in control and this is far too limiting.

It never seems like I have the upper hand in relationships. I am always the desperate puppy whining for attention. It would be nice if someone else was doing that to me. Anyone else. Ever.

I just want so much to be romantically loved and sought after for once. I hate the way relationships work nowadays. I want to be courted. I want to be wooed. I want to just be asked of for a cup of damn coffee once in a while.

I know that this is just my call to be patient, but I am so damn tired of just being patient. I don't like this waiting for my life to start nonsense. I just want something to go the way I want it to for once. To go the way I expect it. The way I plan it, dream it. Whatever.

I just want something to happen the way I imagine it. The way I think it is supposed to go.

I am so sick of getting screwed over in love. So tired of being the one sitting on the step outside begging to be let in to the warmth of another person. I want to be sought after. For once damnit I want someone to look at me and say, "Yeah, you. You are worth my time and effort."

But I never feel like I am going to get that. I love my friends, I do. I really really do. But I really want something ridiculously romantic for once. Anything romantic really. I'll take just a hug at this point.

Maybe I screwed up somehow? I don't know, it's weird. It is just me who wants to spend a lot of time with another person when you have met them and think there is something there? Maybe I am a weird screwed up anomaly in the world of twenty-somethings.

But I am just so damn tired of all of this!

Free Me

So there is the thing that I am really trying to be okay with. This nagging feeling that I did something wrong without actually doing something wrong. 

I was really excited. I thought that for once, I had gotten it right. It felt like I was coming up for air. My attention had never been sought that desperately before. 

The excitement, and dare I say hope?, was building. You asked if you could see me. More than once. I was excited. I had never had someone who had wanted to be around me like that. 

You were attentive. Tender. Affectionate. So incredibly affectionate. You checked in with me daily....and then, just like that. Nothing. 

Was it really because I had told you no? Am I to believe that you are really that shallow? 

It doesn't fit. You condemn her for ruining men, but you seem to do the same thing to women. How am I supposed to feel about that?

Did out date go badly and I just didn't notice? Do I scare you? Have you never been told no before? 

I can see the other side of you. Did you know that? The side of you that is sweet and affectionate and doting. It is there. Buried under all of the running clothes that you hide and Star Wars and Lord of the Rings references I know you have to suppress sometimes. 

You are an incredibly bright guy. You claim to be a degenerate. You seem totally okay with proclaiming that one from the rooftops, but why? 

It would seem that someone as smart as you would be able to see the flaw in the way you are living your life. I just...I don't know what went wrong. 

If you are okay with objectifying women to the point where all you are interested in is their bodies and are terrified of them being able to keep up and maybe even best you intellectually, how do you ever expect to find someone? 

I am not saying that you should date me or anything. I mean, I would love the chance to even go on just a second date...but at least if you aren't interested, can you just let me off the hook? 

I am a perpetual idealist. A dreamer. And I get my head caught in the clouds sometimes, but that is not for lack of intelligence. It is because I believe that the heart and the mind are desperately intertwined. 

I'm not saying date me, I'm just asking you to free me if you don't want me.  

2013

Every year my mother tells me that my dad's mom has this saying, "Never start the new year with last year's business." 

It was meant to be a reason to clean out the house, put away all of the Christmas decorations and start the next year fresh and clean. 

But here I am, sitting in 2014, without having taken the time to reflect on the growth that has happened in the last year. 

I think Bri said it best, "If I would have known what 2013 was going to bring, I am fairly certain I would have asked 'Can I not?'" 

This past year was a lot. It seems like I was faced with challenges at every step of the way and just when I thought I had gotten the hang of it, another curve ball would come my way. 

So I guess here are some highlights. 

I rang in 2013 sitting in a basement with my high school boyfriend, little did I know that three months later I would be talking to this man on the phone and breaking up with him. I learned a lot from that relationship. I learned that I was strong enough to leave behind something that had been comforting for years. I knew that I had to give myself the chance to be treated well and that relationships shouldn't have to make you miserable. 

I learned that I have a voice. That I have a skill for putting words on a page and setting something off in people. I was given the chance to be a bigger part of my campus newspaper and I took that opportunity and ran with it. 

I started becoming more confident in who I was and I no longer felt weird or awkward around other people. I found myself becoming...confident. This has been an entirely new experience for me, but it has turned the shy little mouse of a girl into a braver version of herself. 

I learned that I have the power to choose what relationships I am in, but I still have no power over how the other person feels. But, I learned that if a friendship is strong enough, it can withstand a messy breakup, torn hearts and a lot of pain. 

I saw that true friends will stand by you through tears and suffering, and will be right there to help you pick up the pieces and start laughing with you when you have exhausted your capacity for sadness. 

I felt what it was like to be jaded. To come home sobbing after having a heart to heart with a friend about his love for a girl. I felt what it was like to wonder why I don't have that, but to somehow come to terms and be okay with not having it. 

I saw myself growing into the person I am meant to be. I can see the path I am slowly laying brick by brick at my feet and I can tell that with enough drive and passion, I can make that path go anywhere. 

I know what it feels like to be angry at God and to wonder why things are happening the way they are. To want nothing more than some clarity. To want something to work out. But I have also learned that I am not in control. That God has his own time frame and plan and I am powerless to change it. 

I saw that things fall together when you least expect it and that even with that there are unexpected turns along the way. 

2013 was a lot. I learned a lot. I got my heart broken more times than I can probably count. I grew stronger, more confident and smarter. I learned that I have to value myself. That I cannot let other people define me. That I have to have the strenght to say no, even if it means someone walking away. 

I am not really sure what this new year holds. I am scared. I am hopeful. I am anxious. But I know that there is nothing to do but live in the present moment. That there is a plan somewhere in all of our tangled lives. 

I believe that God puts people and things and choices into our lives for a reason. I believe that I was supposed to go through everything that I did this year. I am trusting that I will start to see the connections in the coming year. 

So here's to sweeping out last year's business, but not forgetting the lessons it taught us. Happy New Year, everyone.