Tired of Being Alone

You know that John Mayer song "Love song for no one?" It has been running through my head for the past month or so and I just can't seem to shake it. It never really made me particularly sad or anything, it was just kind of a reminder that I was missing something in my life. 

You see, one of the lyrics in the chorus is "I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here." It's funny because I had previously been listening to sad songs about lost love or forsaken love or love that was found again years later and one day I was cleaning up the house and this one just kind of popped into my head. The weird thing is that there is no person attached to this song. 

Typically, I can attach a person, an event or something to songs but this was just kind of an ambiguous plea. I have basically come to terms with being single or whatever liminality it is that I am living in. But I have to say, I am getting a little tired of being alone. 

Now this is not to say that I am perpetually alone or anything. That is not the case at all. I have wonderful friends and family and I do seem to be perpetually surrounded by people. What I am struggling with in terms of loneliness is having a person who I can look across a crowded room to and transfer emotion or feeling in a glance. 

I miss the delicate intimacy of relationships. 

It is incredibly frustrating to me that so many people are okay with just floating from relationship to relationship or I guess from one hook-up to the next would be a more appropriate diagnosis. 

I know that my stubbornness to hold out for some kind of commitment may frustrate people or put them off or make me seem to clingy, but it is only because I see the damage that floating from person to person has on people. 

One of the greatest sins of our world, in my opinion at least, is that physical intimacy has been disconnected from emotional intimacy. Sex is no longer something that is valued as a bonding factor between two people. 

But, and as silly as I know this may sound to a lot of people, physical intimacy without any true emotional investment in a person destroys the soul to an extent. You give away little pieces of yourself to each person and soon there is nothing left for yourself. You become a person broken into multiple different people and your soul becomes so fractured that you start to forget yourself. 

I have seen people like this, people broken and insecure, looking for something that can heal them. But they fight against it. They wrestle with feeling secure in who they have become and wanting to be whole again. 

It only takes one person to glimpse inside of you and see the whole person, regardless of how fractured their being may be. It only takes one person to look at you and say "I know you were hurt. I know you are searching for yourself and I know that you are worried about what people may do when they see the real you, but I am here for you. I see you." 

It only takes that one person to see you. The real you. The you that you lost so long ago. 

I am anxiously awaiting to be the person for someone. I am waiting for someone to look at me and say "I see you and I want to know you." I want to feel wanted and I am an impatient person, but I know there is nothing I can do but wait. And hope. And pray. 

"Searching all my days just to find you. I'm not sure who I'm looking for. I'll know it when I see you. Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom staying up all night just to write a love song for no one."  

Wet Hair and Blow Dryers

I used to blow dry my hair for you after my showers. Did you know that? I never cared if my hair was wet before, but after that one night you slept with me and I had wet hair, I made sure to blow dry it after my showers so when we slept together, you wouldn’t sleep next to a face full of wet hair.

I didn’t realize that until last night. I had stopped blow drying my hair this semester because I was sleeping alone. I didn’t have to worry about anyone not liking my hair being wet. But I have had a lot of meetings this week, and honestly, my hair looks better when I blow dry it.

It’s funny because yesterday was the first time I realized that I had let you dominate so much of my life. I didn’t even like blow drying my hair. It is damaging and is just another thing I have to do and I wasn’t doing it for myself. I was doing it for you.

As I was looking in the mirror last night getting ready to blow dry my hair so I looked nice for my meetings tomorrow, I realized that this was the first time I was doing it for myself.

I know it sounds silly, but I finally realized how ridiculous it was that I was letting someone who lived five states away control so much of my heart, mind, soul and life. The light bulb finally clicked on when I turned on my blow dryer.

I am doing this for me. Not you. Never you again. It is incredible how much lighter my step has become. How much joy I find in music now. How I can see friends and smile just because I am so incredibly happy to see them.

I don’t know why it took so long for me to realize. It was like I finally cut off the weight that had been holding me down. You were constantly weighing on my heart. On my every move.

People say that you feel so much freer when you break up with a significant other. You decide to do crazy things just because you can. It was incredible how much of my life was being controlled by you and you didn’t even know or care.

Picking up that blow dryer was the first time that I knew that your hand was finally off my shoulder. I was finally going to take control of my life and start doing things just because I wanted to. You are no longer a factor in any of my decisions.

If I want to go after that job, I am going to and not because of you, because I am qualified, because I want to go after that position, and because I know that I can do and will do a damn good job.

If I want to move to that city, I am going to do it. And you are not going to be a part of my decision process. Maybe you will read about it on social media. Maybe someone else will tell you. But you can be damn sure that you are not going to be the deciding factor in that move.

It is funny how something as simple as blow drying my hair gave me so much power. I was handed back the keys to my life and I ran with them.

You’re never going to stop me now. The keys are in the ignition and I finally have the will to leave.

Thank You

There was a time when I thought that I loved you. When my happiness and the novelty of your company blinded me from reality. I guess the sayings are true, aren’t they? Love is blind and I was willing to ignore the fact that I knew it was temporary. That the love, whatever it was, was fleeting and would eventually disappear when you drove out of the bubble.

I don’t know why I loved you so fast. It was easy. You were there for me, you listened to me, you were my champion. But it was a just a flash in the pan, a brilliant streak of light across the sky right at the time when I needed it most. I needed to love you. I needed to remember what it felt like to love.

But, I also needed you to break my heart, to remind me of the pain of rejection, to drag me through the mud of deceit and broken promises so I could be come empowered to love myself more. So that I could remember what it felt like to be alone and not mind it.

You came back into my life for a moment. A short, sad, and painfully real moment where I finally realized that you no longer had any power over me. I learned that, for all of the time I had spent dreaming of that moment, my expectation could never live up to the reality.

You went from this god-like ideal to a man. Nothing more and nothing less. Just another man who appeared in my life for a brief, beautiful moment to make me believe in love again. You were never meant to stay and I was never meant to have you. You came to break me, fix me, heal me and for that, I am eternally grateful.  

One Drink and One Hour

Walking into that bar was probably one of the most challenging things that I have done this semester. 

It had been a almost six months since I had seen you. Since that one night you kissed me and tore my heart saying it all meant nothing. 

I wasn't sure that I was ready for this encounter. I wasn't sure that I had the strength, the wit, the courage to get through the night. But it was my first free Sunday evening all semester and I wasn't about to let you take away something I had been waiting three weeks for. 

You ended up there on a whim. I had planned to go and forget the fact that you had blown me off three times in two days. Forgive me for wanting to see a friend that had been across the country for the last few months. 

I had decided to extend the olive branch and admit that I wanted to see you, because...you know...who wouldn't want to see a close friend that they hadn't seen in about half a year? Apparently you. 

I awkwardly stood behind my friends as you said hello to everyone and then I emerged from the back and you tried to pull me into a group hug. 

I hate group hugs. 

And you know that. 

I refused and made you hug me. Just me. 

What progressed was an awkward exchange of pleasantries including the usual "How are you"'s and "Aren't you getting anything to drink?" 

At first, I kind of followed you like a lost puppy, wandering to the back of the bar after whispering a tense, "This is so weird" to one of my friends in passing. But then I stopped myself. 

I walked away and ordered a drink, started mingling with some friends, talking about the horror of the organ at mass and why we shouldn't use it. I sat down at a table and started talking with my best friend. Dropping in a few "Why is this even happening"'s throughout the conversation. 

She left, off to pursue a secret mission on my behalf and I sat there for a while. Alone. Texting some people I had neglected and glancing up through my eyelashes every few seconds to see if you were still standing there. 

At some point you apparently notice that I was sitting alone and you came over to talk. The conversation was forced, unnatural, awkward. Nothing like the phone calls and text message threads of the past months. I was thrown off, trying everything to avoid a silence neither of us was accustomed to. 

I finally asked a practical question because I was all out of deep musings and you basically spat back in my face. Telling me without actually telling me that I couldn't do it. Assuming that the only reason I wanted the position was because of you. 

I was shocked. Hurt. 

You were the person who I had not wanted to tell for fear of you thinking I was doing it for you. I never in a million years thought that you would tell me that I couldn't do it. That I wasn't qualified. 

After that, the illusion was shattered. All of those months I had spent pining over you were for nothing. I knew now that you didn't care for me at all. That you were too wrapped up in yourself and the emotional tangles of our past relationship to get to the heart of the friendship. 

It was time to go. 

"It was really nice to talk to you and see you" 

"Yeah and I am sure I'll talk to you soon. I am positive I will talk to you soon."

I hesitated. This was the true test. Without thinking I responded with, "Yeah. We'll see."

You looked at me. The confusion coming into your expression. 

"I was serious about what I said. I was really disappointed in you."

"I know."

"So yeah. Bye."

I spun on my heel, grabbed my coat and walked out of the bar with my best friend. 

I started shaking. 

Oh my gosh, I thought.  It is over. It is finally over. I can start living my life without thinking about a relationship with him. Without thinking that he is this wonderful person. It is over. 

I slept better than I had in months, because I got a piece of myself back from you that night. The part of my heart you stole and held for that summer and fall we were apart, you dropped it when you said the words "You can't" and I picked it up and realized that I finally found the power to leave. 

My Ideal

So it has been quite a while since I posted anything innately romantic and in order to preserve that side of myself, I decided that it was high time for me to get back in touch with my idealistic side. 

As another twist, I think I am going to do this post in list form, just to shake things up a little bit. 

Here we go, these are my ideal romantic situations/moments that I think about all of the time as I am occupied with silly things like work and/or school. 

1. Getting randomly pulled aside in the library as I am walking around doing some task for work and getting a hug and a kiss in one rows of bookshelves.
• If you know anything about my and my love of books and these wonderful buildings called libraries that are built specifically to house books, you would know that this is honestly my idea of a perfect moment. It is quiet and sweet yet still spontaneous and daring. 
2. Going home after a long day and setting my things on the kitchen table only to find that my significant other is coming up behind me to give me a hug. 
• Now this is one of those situations where the hug would be a surprise, as in I wouldn't know that he was there and he collaborated with my roommate to do this. (You see, people think that women are hard to please, but a lot of the time, we just want thoughtful gestures that prove that you are thinking about us and want us to be happy.)
3. Sitting at my desk writing, reading or doing homework and having him bring me a cup of tea or coffee. 
4. Going on a midnight walk in the snow and stopping ever so often to kiss. 
5. I am going to break the world with this stereotypical response, but kissing in the rain. 
• The notebook ruined me and every other girl. Sue us. 
6. Getting letters. 
• I don't even care what you write, just write to me. Handwritten or email, I don't care. But the written word is highly seductive to me, write me a letter and I will be your forever. (Rhyming...English major problems)
7. Read the newspaper with me and talk with me about it. 
• If you get to the point of dating me, you will know that intelligent conversation about news and the goings on of the world are incredibly important to me. Have a conversation with me about it. Challenge my opinion. Make me think. A lover can be a brain just as much as they can be a heart or a body. 
8. Love me endlessly. Love me courageously. Love me without rules. Love me with my flaws and faults. Just love me and I will be yours. Mind, body, heart and soul, I'll be yours.  

To Whom it May Concern

Something you may not know is that I have been internally struggling with everything. I have been really struggling with the fact that the friend that I thought was there seems to have disappeared. That the confidant that I once had no longer seems to want to listen. That the person I looked to for guidance and advice about everything from writing to relationships is no longer present. 

It troubles me that I am being faced with all of these old insecurities. That you can't or have chosen to not recognize the front I have put on for almost six months now. 

Did you know that I have been perceived as weak and overly emotional my entire life? That I have never been able to be taken seriously because I react with emotion. That my blonde hair, smile and easy going attitude has made people laugh at the thought of me ever saying anything serious. Do you know how tired I am of putting on the front that everything is okay? That I have worked tirelessly to make people see me as serious. That I was devastated and hurt by your decision. 

Did you know that I spent three and a half years in a dead end relationship that made me feel like nothing? It made me feel like I did not have the capacity yo love. Like I wasn't worth someone's time and effort. Like I wasn't worth true unconditional love. Like I was never going to be good enough and like I had to stay the same broken, innocent, scared little girl to maintain that relationship. 

You of all people should know how beaten down I was from that relationship. You were there at the end. You listened. You heard the stories. You knew that I came back to JCU crying every time I went to see him and ended up sobbing every time he left. 

You didn't know, but every time I went to see him I got awful knots in my stomach. I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was terrible. 

And then I found the strength to end it. And then there was you. 

You made me feel like I was worthy of compassion and attention. That the relationship was not just physical. You made me feel like a whole person. 

That's why when you left with little to no explanation, I was devastated. 

All of those feelings of insecurity and not being worth someone's time and effort came up again. I felt like I wasn't important. That I was too much work. That I was replaceable and not worth any true effort. Your decision brought back all of the memories of feeling worthless and broken. 

For a moment, I thought that this was going to be different, that you weren't going to be like him. But you made me feel the same way. 

I don't know if this is something you even care about anymore. I don't know if this will drive you away or what. But regardless, I needed the dialogue. I needed to write this. Thankfully, the therapy is helping. You and him drove me back into it. I would love nothing more than to sugarcoat it but when I woke up and told Bri that I was going back to the counseling center, I said, "It is time to deal with all of the pain and confusion that resulted in my last relationship."  

So here is all is. The honest truth. Take as you will but this is how I feel. 

Just Be

You are home. 

It is supposed to be the best feeling ever.

Back with your friends, back in the activities you love,

back in your element. 

But when the memories weigh you down, 

you feel like you are at your breaking point. 

It feels like you are perpetually alone...

even when you are surrounded by people. 

What you lost is always on your mind,

never far from your heart, 

never quite forgotten.

It doesn't feel quite right. 

Something is obviously missing.

And even though you don't want it to hurt, 

for some reason it still does...

It is still incredibly strongly felt. 

There are tears and there is pain, but you know...

you know you have to push through it. 

It's just really hard right now. 

It feels like it will never end. 

But right now you just have to be. 

Be alone. 

Feel the pain.

Cry the tears.

Just be. 

September 4th 2009

So today is a little bit of a weird day for me. Today I would be celebrating my four year anniversary with Zak. Instead, I am sitting at work wondering if the celery and peanut butter I made this morning will be enough of a dinner for me.

A lot has changed in a year. You know what the sad part is? I can’t even remember what I did for my third year anniversary…

I am such a different person than I was a year ago. I have done more in the last week than I had done in the entire first semester last year.

I have made new friends, cooked dinner, gone to a few parties, set up a house, sat outside watching the cars pass on Warrensville at night,  cleaned up and reorganized the newsroom all while maintaining and fostering the wonderful friendships I have made here at Carroll.

Part of me is a little sad I guess. I mean it is a constant thought in the back of my mind all day.

Part of me also feels like I failed. Like I gave up on something because it was just too hard…

But when I look at all of the pain that I would have had to endure to make the relationship work, I start to make sense of the whole mess.

There are so many things that I now know and learned from my relationship with Zak. (One of them being how to use my mirrors while backing up, but that is beside the point.)

I think the most important thing I learned, was that I was strong enough to walk away. When I figured out that the relationship was not healthy anymore, I was strong enough and confident enough to leave it.

It still pains me that Zak and I are probably never going to be able to maintain any kind of “normal” relationship. It makes me worry that I damaged him beyond repair sometimes…but maybe I made him stronger too.

I know that I am going to be staring at the clock, waiting for this day to pass because when the clock strikes midnight, I will finally be able to move on and start fresh.

I don’t know why we spend so much time thinking about ex boyfriends and girlfriends. Maybe it is because we were, for however short a time, bound to them heart, mind and soul and we can’t help but think about  them when things they liked or places they lived come up in our daily lives.

I wish more than anything that break ups didn’t have to be so messy, that the relationships were easy to clean up and maintain and that we could still be there for the people we professed to love…

But we are human.

When we get hurt, it takes a long time to heal.

It’s four pm. Eight more hours of this memory. 

Your Word is Only as Good as How Often You Keep It

You know the phrase "actions speak louder than words?" Well, I have never had a time when I have felt those words so deeply. 

So often we tell people things, we make promises, we lie, because we know that it will make the other person feel better, even though you have no intention of actually keeping your word. We think, "Hey, she's my friend, she'll understand. I'll make it up to her later." Even though you have no intention of doing anything to try and right whatever wrong you committed. 

I am someone who values people at their word. I will believe that you will do something or honor something right up until it is painfully evident that it will never happen. 

Zak told me it was my fault that he could never plan dates or keep plans. Apparently, one of my many flaws is that I can only really believe people for so long until I finally begin to expect nothing from them and the relationship deteriorates.  It was because I had so little faith in him that he never actually followed through with anything. And you know what? Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I am the reason he was never able to plan dates...or keep them for that matter. But I still trusted him at his word and my heart was broken every time the deadline came and went. 

I hate when people can't keep their word. It is the worst in romantic relationships. You spend so much of your time whispering sweet nothings into your lover's ear that they begin to believe everything they tell you and it makes them fall in love with you or just swim in a puddle of wonderful that they eventually drown in. It isn't until later, when the cards are on the table how you realize what a load of bullshit it was. 

I guess the bottom line here is I wish more people kept their word. I wish more people realized the power of the things they promise, even in passing. Maybe this is just a problem I have, but I remember almost everything someone promises me, right down to something as stupid as the mall food court date at Chick-Fil-A (for those of you that think I am making that one up, it happened. I promise) or as meaningful as "I am always going to be here for you." 

It becomes incredibly painful when you realize that the person you so fully trusted never actually intended to do any of the things they said they would.  Forgive the momentary dramatics, but it is almost soul crushing. Like a part of you is being ripped out and smashed because of the deception. 

Words are powerful. People listen to what you say, some even hang on every word. What would happen if, all of the sudden, you had to honor every single promise or plan you made? Would it make you be a little more cautious about what you said? Or would it make you realize just how many people you let down? 

So next time you tell someone, "Yes! I will definitely ______," think before you speak. They may just be stupid enough to believe that you will keep you word, God forbid anyone should ever do that. 

Box of Darkness

A few months ago, Brianna and I were chatting on Facebook and she sent me this poem she found on Pinterest.

The Uses of Sorrow (in my sleep I dreamed this poem.)

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift. 

That was at the beginning of the summer, right after we had both started our internships and were both really struggling with our guy issues. I decided that my task was going to be to find what was in my box of darkness, to shed some light, if you will, on the twisted confusion that was in my head and my heart.

So summer has almost elapsed at this point. We are less than two weeks away from the start of my JCU reality and the question now becomes, did I accomplish my mission? Have I figured out what was in the box of darkness?

I can happily say to you that I have shined a flashlight in there and I think I have it figured out.

Last semester was, as Brianna described it, “sophomore year was the overly emotional year of trying too hard and caring too little.” While I would like to think that this was not the case, it, unfortunately, is a completely accurate description of life last year. There was so much we were worried and concerned about, but so much we cared so little about.

Ever summer gives me new insight into my life. Last summer, I saw the beginnings of the breakdown of the relationship between Zak and I and I learned the hard reality of losing your summer to work. But this summer has been a little different.

This summer I learned how to just be me. Who I was. I dealt with the after effects of two relationships were each of the guys had very different personalities and very different relationships to me. I dealt with friendships changing and evolving and I dealt with the incredible pain of not having my best friend by my side 24/7. I took spontaneous road trips. I learned how to take care of my car. I learned how to be professional and work in an office. But most of all, I learned to value who I am and what I believe in.

So back to that box of darkness.

Sometimes during the summer one or both of us (Brianna and I) would start to get the residual sadness of losing someone we cared about because of things totally out of our control. When I was having one of my good days and she was having a day with some struggles, I found myself writing this to her: “If there is one thing those psycho guys did for us, it was give us some kick ass confidence and a hell of a lot of determination to prove them and everyone else wrong.” To which she appropriately responded, “that must have been what was inside that box of darkness.”

So out of pain and sadness comes determination and confidence. How twisted is that? It goes against every logical equation of reality. But reality and normalcy really aren’t our style.

But, you know how I knew I was finally growing up and out of that pit that I found myself in 18 times this year?

When Tim came and visited me this weekend and kept saying how much he didn’t understand why Dan and I didn’t work and that it was stupid that it didn’t, I found myself getting a little irritated. Normally that would have made me sad…but it didn’t. It was a weird feeling. I found myself smiling and internally thinking, “Yes, I know. But such is life. This is my reality and nothing is changing that now. Can we drop it?” That was nowhere near the reaction I was having at the beginning of the summer.

Bottom line, I no longer felt helpless because of the whole thing, I felt empowered by it. The even better thing was that Zak showed up at the park where Tim, Annie and I were watching the fireworks literally 30 seconds after Tim finished his little rant and I had a very similar reaction.

It was totally a two ships passing in the night kind of thing. No acknowledgment. No hostility. Just indifference. (Confirms the idea from the “Friends, Lovers, or Nothing” post. Zak and I? Nothing. Plain and simple).

But I think it all really clicked for me when I went to get my hair cut this weekend.

My hairstylist has been cutting my mother’s hair for 10 years and mine for almost 6, so she basically knows everything about our family. (I am convinced that she doubles as a psychiatrist) As she was cutting my hair, I proceeded to tell her the whole story about Zak and Dan. Being the wonderful person she is, she reacted in exactly the way I expected her to until we got the story about Dan.

That was when I basically received my slap back to reality. She told me that I couldn’t severe ties with him, that I needed to be a friend, keep those lines open and be the bigger person when it comes to continuing the friendship, especially since she had seen lots of situations similar to ours play out for the better. She said, “When you are with him you have to pretend like you never dated. That you never were a couple and that you have never kissed him. It will make it better, I promise.” Honestly, this was the most helpful advice I received all summer.

I knew there was a reason that I was so looking forward to getting my hair cut.

So I am trying that mindset and it is working. I feel so much happier and knowing that I can never expect anything of him, it makes life so much easier. I feel like it allows me to hold all of the cards while just patiently waiting for him to play his hand. It is a highly effective tactic and it keeps me sane, which is a bonus.

So that box of darkness. 

Contents:

1.) Confidence

2.) Clarity

3.) Determination

4.) Patience

5.) And a fierce loyalty to who I am and what I believe in.

Checkmate. 

Things I am Saying

It seems that it has finally come to this point, where the only thing left to do…is forgive, forget, say goodbye and move on.

I have spent so much of my time devoted to thinking about it. So much energy worrying about it. So much of my heart trying to love it back into being and so many of my tears, crying over what was lost. But now…it is time to let it all go.

I thought that this was going to be the one to change my mind. This was the one that was going to last, a friendship that was able to stand through the mess of emotions and personal interest. But I was wrong and the first step towards healing is accepting that I was wrong.

I did everything in my power to try and make whatever it was work. I trying staying involved, committed, because true friends don’t leave your side, no matter how much they ignore you. But this one wore me down.

We accepted you into the group. We loved your quirks, we wanted you to be part of our eccentric little club, but there was one very fundamental thing about you that none of us thought about. That when the cards are down, you cannot stay in one place. 

Maybe you hate commitment, maybe you don’t like being tied down, maybe you just don’t go deep with people because it requires too much work, or maybe it is because you are scared of being hurt. You are the only one who knows.

As for me, I am done thinking about it. I am not a self-interested person or at least I don’t think of myself as one, but I think it is time for me to make a decision in the interest of me.

Now do I plan on dropping of the face of the Earth? No, of course not. That is just simply not in my nature, but I do plan on letting all of you go. I spent 3 years in a one-sided relationship, and I intend not to waste another second of my life devoting time to someone or something that doesn't give me time, or worse, doesn't care.

So this is it, my last goodbye. My last “you” centered post. My last “you” centered anything. My life cannot be so bogged down by a friend or more accurately, supposed…friend. I know what friendships and relationships are supposed to look like and foolish, idealistic Abby thought that you would be one of those true friends.

But more and more, as I look at my Facebook, Twitter, text messages, emails, and Facetime calls, I am realizing who my true friends are. The ones who won’t leave me alone because they love me so much. The ones who take genuine interest in me. The ones who listen to me. Care about me. Want to talk to me about life. Seek me for advice and are always a tweet, text, video chat, or telepathic communication away.

They are the people I have realized I can lean on. The ones who have listened to me cry, whine, yell, muse, and talk about you and still talk to me the next day, no matter how annoyed they are by me…all because they love me. 

Truly and unapologetically.

So here you are, the last post about you. Ever. I am done. Truly and finally. I tried. I gave you every benefit of the doubt. But everything I feared came true at every turn. Don't doubt my affection for what we were at one time and don't doubt my faith in your ability to succeed. But for now, have a nice life.

Maybe we'll see each other in a byline. 

Sitting on some beach

As I shut my laptop, trying to close out the memories and emotions, I find that they have already begun to overwhelm me.

I just need a small trigger at this point, some small reminder about the things that I am trying to bury within the depths of my subconscious.

I walk out of my room, I need to breathe.

I need a place to release the torrent of emotions that isn’t in full view of my family.

Luckily, I am in a house on a beach.

I grab a towel as I brush past my mother.

As I sit by the ocean, watching the waves crash into the beach, tears start to roll down my face.

I ask God why. Why is this my particular cross to bear at the moment? Why now? Why still?

I look out over the ocean, thinking that I want to get away. Far away, where none of this can touch me, where I can forget.

But here I am, as far away as I could get from the issue and I still feel like I need to go further.

I need just a little more distance, just a little more isolation to have the memories and feelings loosen their grip on me.

Maybe Antarctica would be far enough.

My little sister reminds me that you can’t run away from memoires, because they will always be right behind you.

Smart girl.

Guess she learned a thing or two from the likes of Thoreau and Whitman.

She talks about how she want to go home. I look at her, I feel like I should share her wish.

Thing is,

I don’t know what is waiting for me back home.

Friends?

Sure.

Jobs?

Yes.

School?

Definitely.

But you know what is also waiting?

Memories, pain, feelings, emotion and

….reality.

Of all of the things waiting, reality is the one I fear the most.

I don’t want to go back and face all of that again.

Not yet.

The tears start again, this time out of frustration and sadness.

Everyone deserves answers and closure. Why not me?

Why couldn’t I get the responses I deserved? The promises that were supposed to be kept?

Why?

I get angry.

Then it dissolves into sadness.

Sorrow for what could have been.

I kick the sand.

Ask some deeply philosophical, yet somehow still shallow question of the stars.

My sister does something to make me laugh.

I get up.

The salt from my tears drying in the sea breeze.

I shake out my towel and run down the beach.

Maybe I’ll leave my troubles here in Hawaii.

Here to perpetually sit on this beach and contemplate the stars,

and the world,

and me.