Happy Birthday.

Ever been so distraught that you feel like you can't breathe. You are taking these huge gasps and you cannot seem to get enough air? The only thing that you can do to calm your self down is run your fingers through your hair so viciously that it feels like you are ripping the roots out? And then you sit down to do the only thing that makes sense and that you think will calm you down. Write that paper you have been procrastinating. But you cannot see to keep your fingers on the keys because you are running them through your hair. Ripping at it, tearing at it. So you use your chopstick and a pen to pull it back into this insane knot just so it is out of your fingers and out of the reach of your hysteria. The knot is so tight that you can feel the hair follicles being slowly ripped out of your head. You try to write the paper but your fingers are shaking so much that you can barely type the argument that you are trying to make in the paper. You feel like an idiot, a big dumb bitch who does not deserve the man who puts up with her stupidity. You can never seem to get it right. You are terrible at comforting. You cannot tell the difference between sympathizing and comforting. Aren't they the same thing? Apparently not. But only in certain cases. He wants this phrase from this and that word here. But no, he cannot give you a script because you should just know. But you are too big of an idiot to actually form the words to say. And then he asks you to tell him that you love him and that he is wonderful. After telling you indirectly of course, that you are this big dumb idiot who cannot comfort anyone. Why is he even still tolerating you. I bet he could find someone who told him all of those things. Right when he wanted them. But after three and a half fucking years you are still to stupid to know what to say and when. You have literally learned nothing. You cannot comfort him, you cannot emphasize with him. You still haven't learned how. You will never get it. You are a failure at every turn. Every conversation you let him down. You try to make it up with big extravagant gestures and little praises and gifts now and then, but even those fail. Because you have never learned how to comfort. And it appears as though you never will. It is only a matter of time before he gets really sick and tired of it and then he will leave you. On to someone better and more loving. Who can actually love him like he loves them. Not you. Not an ugly, stupid, uncaring, unloving woman like yourself. What now? Sit back and let it happen? Oh. God. God please help me. Please. I am begging you. I need you. Make me not stupid. Make me learn. Please. Please. I am begging you.