Inevitable

You know we spend all of this time saying, "Well, we will worry about that when we come to it" and then we blissfully go on our way. Forgetting that thing that we were worrying about. And then...out of nowhere it seems, reality comes and slaps you in the face with reminders about the fact that the event that you were dreading is in fact still happening. 

We try to live out of lives in this blissful ignorance sometimes and then come those days where we are rudely and suddenly snapped back to the present. 

It is shaping up to be one of those weeks where I literally cannot process anything further than fifteen minutes ahead of time. I feel like all of these deadlines and changes are coming up and their is still so much confusion and lack of clarity that I am having a hard time actually processing everything rationally. 

It has literally been two days in succession of wanting nothing more than to crawl into my bed and hide until the week is over. 

I just...I hate not knowing and everything is becoming real and I am just getting kind of scared. A lot scared. This is a lot. 

On top of it. I feel like I am incredibly alone in a lot of this. While I know that I have a multitude of people who love me and care about me, I just have these nights where I feel so incredibly alone. Maybe it is a chemical imbalance? PMS? Stress?...I don't know. But it really sucks...like a lot. 

Also, it is one of those times where I am thinking about everything I have written and I am thinking...what if someone reads this, someone I know, the people who are written about in it? What would they think? Would they be terrified? Flattered? Would they run away or embrace me?...

I know how I have been writing a lot about love and how it is important to dive into something wholeheartedly, but some nights I get scared that by doing this I am setting myself up for an awful lot of heartbreak. Especially in my current situation. 

I know that I need to trust God and allow his plan to work out and I just have to follow the path he put in front of me..but this current stretch of road is kind of scary and I am going to need all of his strength, patience, understanding, and love to see all of the beauty and lessons I am going to learn on the journey.