Love and Light, then drop it.

So there is this saying that I always tell people. It is from "Eat, Pray, Love" the book made famous and then made into a movie. The full quote is this:

“But I love him.”

“So love him.”

“But I miss him.”

 “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it."

Turns out...this is much harder than it seems. As I was getting ready to step out of the shower I found myself thinking about and consequently missing Dan. A lot. So I missed him for a while. Smiled at all of the snapshots and moments I have stored up in my head. The half smile he gave me every so often. The way his voice changed when he got serious. The way he would look at me, smile, and then brush his fingers across my cheek and then run them across my lips.

Then I started to get kind of sad. Then I remembered the quote. So I did it. I sent him light and love. "I hope everything is going well for you, Dan. I hope that this week is all that you hoped it would be. I miss you, but there will probably always be a little part of me that misses you. See you soon."

Then I tried to drop it.

Coincidentally, at that exact moment my little sister started banging on the front door and I had to rush out of the shower and get dressed to let her into the house...so I completely forgot about him for awhile. Then I sat down and started preparing for bed and as I sat at my computer I realized that I was still thinking about him. Missing him.

So I sat down and did the only thing that I could think that would bring me a little relief. I decided to write about what I was feeling. It seems that things don't really become real for me until I write them down. Now if you have been following the story of Dan and I or if you are a friend who knows the story, or even if it is you reading this Dan, I know that it may seem like I am desperately trying to cling onto something. Something that simply is not there any more. But that is not the case at all.

I am simply remembering. And as happy as those memories make me, as much as I smile in spite of myself when I think of little things like how you leaned against the doorway talking to me that night before you went to work on homework, I know that those things are in the past.

Admittedly, I am the type of person to make more out of things than they really are or were. And, to be honest, I have no way of knowing how much the relationship meant to him. That is something that he will always have locked in his heart and it was probably a way bigger deal to me. I mean, I was the one who fell in love after all. So as is the nature of things like falling in love and my terribly bad habit of thinking with my heart, I am so deeply affected by memories like this.

Maybe this is my way of sending him light and love, the written word. Somehow always more coherent than my thoughts and words. So here is your love and light. Now, I will drop it. For now at least. :)

In case you were curious, here is the full text of that passage. It has always spoken to me and I hope it somehow speaks to you too.

“I’m not laughing.” I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate. ”He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of your marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that his relationship had a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it.“But I love him.” “So love him.” “But I miss him.” “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”