Summer 2011

You know how sometimes you don’t actually understand something until you look back at it? I mean, hindsight is 20/20, so it is only right that I wouldn't realize the significance of something until way after the fact.

For whatever reason yesterday I decided to listen to this old CD from the summer of 2011. Zak made it for me after I gave him this box of things to remind him of me while I was gone in Cincinnati for three weeks.

I popped the CD in not really thinking anything of it, but the second the songs started, all of the emotion hit me.

It seemed like every single song was him telling me how much he loved me.

Every song had some significance.

The thing that made this so painful? I didn't even realize it until two years later.

Now this in no way indicates that I am going back on my decision to break up with him, but it did make me realize something.

It made me realize that we really did love each other at one point.

Maybe it was only during that summer two years ago, maybe not. But Zak was one of those people who meant everything he said and did. He had a reason and a purpose behind everything.

I don’t know why, but listening to that CD made me really emotional because it reminded me that, if even for a fleeting second, Zak really did love me and he used the songs on that CD to communicate it to me.

I honestly cannot believe that I didn’t realize it when he gave it to me two years ago.

For better or worse, I made the decision to listen to that CD while I was driving home and it took me back to the happier times in my relationship with Zak.

Maybe the love we shared wasn't true, deep actual love. Maybe it was. But regardless of everything, we cared about the other person to the point that our happiness was contingent on the other person.

I guess we broke it. The relationship just could not withstand the growing and changing that we did through college.

As I prepare to become a junior at JCU and he prepares for his senior year at BW, I am reminded about the way it all started.

Junior Abby and Senior Zak, two people who created a beautiful relationship out of very messy and broken lives. Maybe we healed each other. Maybe we needed those four years to become the strong people we are today. Maybe without the heartache and love of the relationship and all of the fights and tears, we would have never learned how strong we were. How much life we could take on. How much we could grow.

I will always be grateful for the love and companionship that Zak gave me. I will always be thankful for him pulling me out of the darkness of my life and making me realize what a strong person I am.

I know that this is something that is probably too little too late, but there will always be a part of me that knows that it was all real.

We may not have been able to work in a relationship but the things I learned from him were invaluable. We may have been just two kids who didn't really know what we wanted but the love we shared was real.

I wish you all the love and luck in the world Zak. I am sorry if I hurt you. I hope that all is well.