Thawed Heart

Regret, apologies, remorse, feelings…it all comes around at some point.

Forgiveness is something that I constantly seem to be looking for. I really hate it when people dislike me. 

Especially when it is because of some pain that I have caused to them.  

I am not a very confrontational person and I tend to have these days where all of the guilt and remorse hit me. It is like I feel all of the combined pain that I feel I have caused people.

My apologies are never anywhere near adequate and to be honest, I am never surprised when people don’t respond to me. I have a terrible habit of just letting things lie until all of the pain and hurt hit me.

What is even worse is that I have experienced an incredible amount of pain in my life and the grace that I have felt is from people like my mother who forgives me for everything no matter what is what reminds me about the importance of forgiveness and grace.

So this results in a lot of prayer, turning to God because I am powerless to change other people’s hearts.

All I need is one little trigger and all of the sudden all of the ice that built up on my heart melts and I find myself almost on my knees begging for forgiveness.

It is an incredibly humbling and painful experience all at once.

It always reminds me of how my mother told me that I think with my heart before I think with my head. She always called me her emotional child. The one that could walk into a room and read the emotions in the room and know how to react. I was the family barometer. But sometimes, I get so sick of hurting, for both myself and others, that I stop feeling.

I put all emotion aside and look at everything from a razor sharp perspective. And then…after I am reminded that I have such a tender heart and am so sensitive to others’ feelings…I feel terrible.

All I can do it beg for forgiveness and pray to God that he heals the hurt that I have caused other people.

I cannot explain how sorry I am to the people I have hurt in the last few weeks. I have not been the friend that I should have been. I have let my own pain and hurt cause hurt to you and that is not fair in anyway. I have not shown you the same love and care that you have shown me during our respective relationships and friendships and I am so sorry for that. I can only pray that you can find it in yourself to forgive me. If there is anything I can do or say to heal the hurt, please tell me.

With all the love in the world,

Abby