Things I Wish I Could Say

There is so much that I have held back. So much that I haven't said because it is not my place. So many observances and thoughts that I have kept to myself. Things that I know you would recognize in yourself if you just took some time and actually acknowledged feelings instead of forcing them down in the name of reality. 

I wish I could tell you that you are making a huge mistake. That giving up someone who professed her love for you after a month and a half is stupid. That the relationship we had was so real and wonderful that it was the kind of harmony that would inspire books. 

I wish I could tell you that regardless of everything, the silly comments, the odd humor, the ridiculousness, the naiveté, the sometimes awkwardness, the fact that I had to spell things out the majority of the time, that kiss and then the subsequent "Yes, it all meant nothing"

...I still love you. 

I still find myself smiling when I think about you. I still want to have a relationship with you. I am not going to get over this quickly. I am probably always going to wonder what could have been. Part of me is probably always going to hold back in new relationships, if there are anymore, because of you. Because of the fact that I still want you. All of you. 

I wish I could tell you that I think that you are just scared. That you are scared of what your new city and job are going to bring. That you are scared of what being in a real relationship might me. That you are scared that our relationship worked so well and you were not ready to let go of a part of yourself to another person. That you were not ready to admit that you actually felt something beyond the shallow physical attraction that you spent the past four years dwelling in. 

I wish I could tell you that I think that you feel something too. That there are times late at night when you miss me, when you wonder about what could have been, about what I am doing, how I am feeling. 

I wish I could tell you to wake up and realize what is standing right in front of you. That you had the opportunity to fall and feel what it felt like to be truly loved and what loving another person meant and felt like. 

I wish I could tell you that there are still times when I am driving and think about the way you kissed me in the kitchen when I was cooking dinner for you, how you smiled at me and just stood there watching me. And how I wondered if everything could have been that simply beautiful. 

I wish I could tell you that they way you were looking at me the night you kissed me before I left for Ecuador, the night that you say meant nothing...your eyes...they emanated love. Even if you didn't know it. Nobody looks at someone who is just a friend that way. That is the way a guy looks at a girl when he cannot get over how deeply he feels for her. He sees eternity and a world of possibility in her eyes...like I think you did that night. That you cannot help but absentmindedly put your hand on my back or knee because to you, it feels normal. Natural. Right. 

I wish I could tell you that sometimes I think about you showing up at my house this summer or at Carroll next year, telling me that I was right. That you really do want to be with me. That you were wrong and stupid. That you still want me, all of me and that you think you love me. And how I secretly kind of want to pull into my driveway one day and see you there. 

I wish I could tell you that I think you are going to regret this. That soon, you are going to wonder what could have happened if we would have spent the summer together and then tried to make it work while you were in D.C. That you are going to want me to be the one loving you. That I get you. And want you and want to be a deep part of your life story. That I value you and think that you are amazing. 

I wish that I could tell you that every time I see you, I still think about the fact that there is a significant tug on my heart. That it is so easy to talk to you. That part of me kind of thinks that we maybe belong together...

But...you'll never know this. Because you'll probably never read this. Because to you, I am a friend. Someone who you keep up with sporadically. You don't read these regularly. So this will be buried among all of the other parts of what I wish I could say to you. 

To you, I am just a happy memory. The first girlfriend. All you choose to see are the happy things. Not all of the screwed up mess that was created by the break-up. 

But most of all, that you probably won't actually take any of this to heart even if you do read it...because to you...this is all nonsense. This cannot live in the real world. 

But you are wrong. And I hope one day you see this and start thinking.