Last night I got a major wake up call. I had been living in
this created world that I was hoping for. I was imagining that if I just hoped
hard enough for it, it would eventually happen. But in the midst of all of that
hope and optimism came a lot of heartbreak, but also cleansing realization.
Right before this very difficult situation happened I had
been coming to the end of “The Shack.” (If you haven’t read it yet, I highly encourage
you to. Even if you don’t believe in God or have a strong relationship with
Him, it teaches you an awful lot about life.)
Anyway, the last thing I read was that you cannot force a
relationship, all you can do is open the path and wait to see if the person
decides to make the choice to be in the relationship, whatever it may be: a
marriage, a relationship, a friendship.
So, after reading this I decided that I needed to take the
jump and figure out once and for all where Dan and I stood. I was confused and
very conflicted and his actions in the last few weeks had indicated to me that
there may still be something there that he was to afraid to admit to himself.
Unfortunately, he told me exactly what I thought he was
going to. He said that his actions were wrong and misleading and that there
really was nothing there. Essentially that all of the things he said and did
after we broke up meant nothing.
As painful as that was and as stupid as it made me feel, it
was exactly the push I needed to move on. I was like I was finally freed from
this weight that was holding me down.
Now, I could have dealt with that in and of itself, but I
was also in the midst of trying to have a civil conversation with Zak…yes, my
other ex-boyfriend, sometimes I cannot believe how incredibly complicated my
life has become.
The only reason I was talking to him was because my little
sister was heartbroken that he was not going to come to her graduation party,
so I decided to intervene on her part and try to get him to come. The
conversation did not go well.
He is somehow able to make me feel like a terrible person
every time I talk to him. I want nothing more than to be able to have a civil relationship
with him, but he apparently thinks that is not possible. Essentially, he has not
let go of the fact that I broke up with him over the phone and wants me to say
it to him face to face…something that I would have had no problem doing, if he
hadn't yelled at me and made me feel terrible or insulted me in some way when
we talked.
The line was crossed when he told me that I didn't know how
to break up with someone. That brought back the very painful memory of when I
was dumped by Dan. That hurt, a lot. And I burst onto tears, but what else is new?
But I think the most painful thing about the entire
conversation was that it made me feel like I was in the midst of a divorce. It
was like Zak and I had gotten divorced and Lizzie was the child and I was
trying to protect her and make her not be disappointed by Zak letting her down because
of his dislike of me.
This hit way to close to home and made the conversation that
much more painful. After the conversation, I reached out to Dan to get some
comfort. That was not successful…not in the least bit.
So, feeling broken and emotionally tormented, I reached out
to Tim and Bri. Never have I had such a pure outpouring of love than I had from
my two best friends. I told them that I felt broken, that Dan and Zak broke me
all in one hour. That I was done. I was tired and heartsick and that I just
wanted to give up. (Even now thinking about it makes me start to tear up a
little.)
They essentially told me that I was a wonderful, strong
woman and that I had the perfect man waiting for me. That God was putting these
other people in my life to make me realize how blessed I was once I found the
man he meant for me.
They made me laugh and feel so loved that instead of going
to bed crying I was able to go to sleep in a fairly neutral state, knowing that
my friends loved me and would do anything to protect me. Now I woke up feeling
like I got hit by a train, so I don’t think it was a restful sleep, but nothing
Starbucks couldn't fix.
So there it is. Those two chapters of my life have finally
closed. Completely and totally. I feel like I am actually able to live again.
So, what have I learned from this? That when the cards are down and you put
your heart on the line, you put it at the risk of being shattered, but that
your friends are always going to be there with a bottle of glue and a lot of
love to stand there and help you pick up the pieces and glue them back together
(in Bri’s case she is ready to beat up whoever it is that hurt me, which I will
always love her for but never let her act on. Much love to you, Bri.)
But in the end, a relationship cannot be forced, all you can
do is open the door and pave the way. It is up to the other people to walk down
the path or to ignore it or destroy it.
I hope you always take the chance to
walk down it, because if you don’t, you’ll never know what you missed.
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