Unconditional and Self-sacrificial

I don’t know what it is but it seems like I always end up giving way more in my relationships than I get.  From my first relationship in sixth grade to my  latest relationship in college. This goes right back to my father too. For whatever reason I have never been able to do enough to please/keep the men in my life.

But Lord knows that people don’t want to hear about the mess that is my father and I’s relationship, so lets just stick to the romantic relationships…boyfriends.

I can give them my entire heart, be their friend, be their confidant, sacrifice my time, make myself available whenever for them, and put everything into the relationship…because that is just how I am.

If you have me, you have all of me. Mind, body, soul. You've got me.

And up until now, I didn't mind that at all. I was happy to give up part of myself, more of myself than normal to another person out of genuine affection for that individual. Because in my opinion, if you don’t have any close relationships, you have nothing.

I am an incredibly loyal person.

I do not hesitate to give absolutely everything to the person I am in a relationship with. The thing that sucks is that in every single relationship I have been in, (with the exception of my very first one in sixth grade…he is my best friend now) I have never received as much as I have given.

I am always at the mercy of the guy I am dating. I walk on eggshells around them. I try to do everything correctly so that I won’t offend them. I work really hard to make sure that they are happy. I do anything for them, right down to cleaning up their kitchen and living room. I sacrifice my sleep and sanity. But I do it out of genuine loyalty, love, and a desire to see them happy.

I am not complaining here. Not in the least bit. I am always happy to do it. Because things like that are tactile proof of my affection. To me, it shows that I am devoted to them.

I am 20 years old and I do not think I have ever been on the receiving end of someone who adores me. I have never had a guy who has cared about me so much and has been so in tune with me that he knows exactly what to say and do because he genuinely pays attention to me. I have never had someone deliberately learn about me and care enough about me to be the first one to text, the first one to ask for a date, the first one to do anything out of sheer love and affection.

I have never been pursued. No one has ever actively sought my attention or my time, because I give it out freely. Because when you care about someone that is what you do.

Why waste time playing games?

I think people assume that I don’t pick up on things like that. Like I don’t notice that I am always the person who is pursuing, the one who actively becomes emotionally invested and participates in every aspect of the relationship. Right down to making sure that the guy doesn't feel like anything is expected.

I kind of want to be pursued. I want to be loved and cared about to the degree that the person I am with always wants to make sure that I am happy and feel loved. I want someone to actually put me first for once. 

For someone to take into account their actions and how it will affect me.

Now I know that this is probably sounding really selfish. But honestly, the only thing I want at the end of the day is someone who is going to put just as much into the relationship as I will.

I have been hurt over and over and I know that I will fall just as hard for the next guy and I will put my heart right back out on the line to be broken again. That is just how I am. There is no point in wasting any time and faking your way through your relationships. You should dive in head first and not stop loving, regardless of how many times your heart gets broken.

So what do I want?

For once,

Just for once,

I want to be actually loved.

I want someone to think of me first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

I want genuine, unconditionally, self-sacrificial love

And I think I deserve that, at least from one guy.